bachelor in paradise thoughts - september 2nd+3rd show!

Angela looks like a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. And Haley looks like Taylor Swift?

Anyhoo, let’s bullet point this week, mmmkay? Highlights:

  • Nicole decides to chat with Angela, which, in theory, is a good idea. Here is what I would’ve said, compared to what Nicole actually said: Jen: “It’s a little weird for all of us that we’re here, but let’s try to make the best of it. I’m dating Clay now, which is probably weird for you, but it’s all weird for me, too!” And then what Nicole said: “These last few weeks with Clay have been amaaaaaaaazing and we’re boyfriend/girlfriend now, so as long as you don’t FUCK with that, I won’t kick your ass and we’ll be good, mmmmkay?” She didn’t totally say that but she wasn’t exactly taking the high road either.

  • Clay feels weird watching Angela with other dudes. Should I say that again? And maybe another time? BECAUSE I HAD TO HEAR IT 400 TIMES LAST NIGHT.

  • Also, they keep repeating how they were together 8 months. Like that’s supposed to be a long time? That’s fucking NOTHING. Even as a high school relationship, that was nothing, let alone as (somewhat) grown adults. During our busy baby/toddler years, I think I went eight months without even speaking to my husband. Was that off topic?

  • Mike and Angela go on a canoe date, which I’m preeeeety sure is just a small boat in the hotel lobby water feature. He grabs her armpits and kisses her.

  • Haley loves JPJ because they went on ONE date, so she’s PISSED to discover he likes Tayshia. She then yells at JPJ a bit, and then cries A LOT saying men torment women, and it’s all very extreme and confusing.

  • JPJ and Derek have a scream match and Blake comments, “Isn’t this unattractive?” Hahaha, why yes. Yes it is.

  • I’m totally horrified they have a room called “the boom boom room”, where it’s common knowledge that is where the sex happens. Do they change the sheets hourly there or is it a nightly rental thing? Is there a sign-up sheet? So gnarly.

  • Matt Donald has some issues. First of all, he’s got a sweat gland problem. Second, he thinks about his mom too much when considering sexual things with other women. Finally, he swallowed a dog’s squeaky toy.

  • JPJ tells Tayshia he’s sorry, then cries a lot and then shoots snot out of his nose onto the ground and I throw up a little. He DOES know he’s on camera, no?

  • Tayshia dumps Derek and he goes home. See what I did there? That was 30 minutes of TV that could’ve been put into ten seconds. GEESH.

NIGHT TWO

  • Chris basically asks Katie for her permission to hump her. Via the boom boom room.

  • Tayshia is talking to JPJ and says things like, “I’m trying to compartmentalize what I’m going through here.” And then asks JPJ to trust her. Say what? I feel like I’m missing some backstory details here. Also, “what you’re going through?” Easy, T-nutz. It’s not Hiroshima (too soon?)

  • Best part of this week’s four hours? JPJ catching a fish with his hands.

  • Chase is there. That’s it. That’s all I have to say.

  • Blake is SO bored and lonely that he convinces himself he wants to be with Kristina. Two things are happening here: He wants to salvage his public image and he’s horny. And bored.

  • Blake tells Kristina this realization and she’s skeptical, but I’ll bet my left arm she’ll take him back.

  • Matt is pressured to kiss Sydney and it’s painful to watch. Even Harrison has to get involved. Then JPJ has to wipe Matt’s back sweat for him. What is happening here? He finally kisses Sydney and we see footage of a space shuttle and lions. See even the editors are bored.

  • Clay talks to Angela in order to clear the air or something but he just ends up telling her all the things he didn’t like about her. Also, he looks like a super dick because he says he wanted more than a woman who JUST wants to be a wife and mother. And that he was afraid he’d have to support her. Umm ouch. Oh and he wanted someone who would spend four hours with him in the gym every day. Umm VETO.

  • At the rose ceremony, it’s all the regular suspects, with the addition of Haley giving Luke her rose (nobody left for her) and Angela’s rose goes to Chase, sending Mike home. FYI – He won’t be the next Bachelor. He came across stronger in Hannah’s season. Here he seems a little mumbly and tired.

  • Brie cheese arrives and despite some manufactured drama about her inviting Blake on her date, she asks Matt Donald who must be absolutely shitting his pants, knowing he has to date a supermodel in a bikini.

  • Dean comes back without his porn mustache and tells Caelynn he wants to go to the Grand Canyon with her. I think? And apparently, he wants to go RIGHT NOW. So this is the cliffhanger for next week, because she’s been sucking Connor’s face for 24 hours. I suspect she’ll go because she’s got the self-esteem of a field mouse.

I think next week is actually the finale? It was good while it lasted but now it feels OK to cut it off, no?