bachelor in paradise thoughts - september 18th show!

I need a vacation. I am SPENT from yelling at my TV all summer.

I’d say I’ll try to wrap this up quickly, but those stupid producers made 15 minutes of television into THREE HOURS. Omg.

Where we left off: Fantasy suites. Katie and Chris hump, Hannah and Dylan hump, and Demi and Kristian hump. Nicole and Clay do not do the hump. These fights are so edited, but from what I can gather, Clay isn’t 100% in love with Nicole so he doesn’t want to do the hump and get her hopes up that they will get engaged the next day. This seems completely fair, but Nicole acts like this is a complete betrayal. Sigh.

The next day at the final…what do we call them? Final Beach Meet-Ups? Beach Maybe Proposals? Beach Decision Circle? Whatever. In that circle, Clay tells her that he’s falling in love with her and wants to keep dating. She wants none of that shit. If a man isn’t in love with her after 16 days together, then he never will be, so later Clay. Mama don’t need that indecision. This of course, is mind-numbingly frustrating to me. I’m sure some people can fall in love in three weeks, but I’d say it’s totally fair to not be ready to be engaged after such a short time. But there’s no in-between for her. She wants the ocean to be jealous of her love and despite the fact I have no idea what that means, it sounds like something that may not happen in 16 days so chill out mama. That being said, Clay might be gay and wouldn’t ever fall in love with her probably.

Chris and Katie are up next, and they must have had a hell of a night in the Hump Suite as Chris oddly proposes to her! It’s cute, but I’mmmmmm not so sure this is a great idea. I feel like Chris has some work to do on himself and may just want his 18th appearance on this show to end in success and not failure again. More on them later.

Hannah and Dylan meet on Beach Platform Sweat Machine, and they profess their love. But then Hannah says things about her family being involved and obstacles she’s going through. Dylan says he’ll fly to Alabama. So I assume this is going in the direction of…he’ll meet her parents, ask for dad’s blessing and involve them in a proposal. But then all of a sudden, he whips it out (ring not penis) and proposes to her. Say what?! Admittedly, I zoned out a bit so I must have missed some detail where she was like, “Just propose now and we’ll figure all that other stuff out later.” Also, her voice is beginning to sound a bit like Connor’s creaky door voice.

Demi and Kristian are cute, but it’s boring TV. They love each other, they’re excited to be together, they’ll give their hearts, blah blah blah. Demi proposes to Kristian and she accepts. Woo hoo! Also, they are both struggling to keep standing in their gigantic heels, in sand, around Beach Proposal Palapa.

After the Final Rose(s?) Special

This is two hours. TWO. So I definitely zoned out and folded laundry while it was on, so don’t rely on me for reporting accuracy, but here’s what happened. I think. In bullet point format:

  • Jordan is still annoying as shit and so is Christian. They fight, call each other bitches and Demi tells them to act normal since they’re on TV. She DOES know what show she’s on, right?

  • When asked what she meant by calling Haley a pigeon, Tahzjuan said it was just a metaphor, there were birds on the beach, mumble mumble. So yeah, basically she wasn’t actually calling Haley a bird, but Tahzjuan has no idea what the word metaphor means.

  • Caelynn and Dean are still dating, and she must be drinking a lot because somehow, she’s still ok with the fact he’s homeless.

  • Blake in the hot seat is painful. And long. Blake says that he was hooking up with Caelynn for a couple months but they weren’t exclusive. On the show, Caelynn made it look like she really liked him, he humped her and then he dumped her. So since that wasn’t true, Blake released a chain of text messages that sort of prove that’s not exactly how it went down. She was super pissed about that. Blake is not sorry he did it. Caelynn is embarrassed that not only do the texts make her look bad, but they also point out the fact that her side of the story is not exactly how this shit went down. But maybe not cool to release texts? I’m torn. I see both their sides, but before I start to think too much and care too much, I’ll stop talking.

  • Carly and Evan, and Tanner and Jade are there with their annoying toddlers. They’re cute, I guess, but grabbing shit all over the stage and crap. Harrison is totally intolerant to it. Jade tells us how she recently gave birth in a closet, so that’s fun.

  • Carly and Evan’s gender reveal – Wells pops out of a giant cake dressed in a blue onesie. It’s a boy. So stupid. Can you tell I’m over this show? Cause I like Wells and even I hate this part.

  • Tayshia made a mistake dumping JPJ, so she flies to Maryland to win him back. Please tell me that was his parent’s home. I can’t tell what makes me sadder – that he still lives with his parents or he actually lives alone in that house and has furnished it like an 80-year-old woman in North Dakota would. Anyway, it wasn’t all that hard for her to win JPJ back, and they’re still together. Not sure this one has marriage written all over it, but for some reason it’s cute.

  • Chris and Katie update: They’re still together but he doesn’t give much of himself, emotionally, and she’s over it. So he says he’ll try harder (I think he says that?). So they’re still engaged but the odds of this one going the distance seem…not amazing. I just think he’s a closed-off dude and she is really open and emotional – he’ll never give her the security and showering of love that she wants. It’s not his style, so I’m not sure this is an amazing match. Is it weird to say I kind of want Chris on top of me naked? Sorry, that was off topic.

  • Hannah and Dylan still together, snooze.

  • Demi and Kristian still together, snooze. However, it came to Neil Lane’s attention that his rings got very little PR during the finale, so they make Kristian propose to Demi and give her a ring too. Harrison then asks to see the rings up close, when a voiceover is obviously added – “Neil Lane you have outdone yourself!”

  • Peter is announced as the next Bachelor which would have been much more surprising if they hadn’t already been following him around airports with a camera crew that TMZ photographed and posted all over the internet. But whatever. He seems like a sweet pre-teen. Should be a fun season – starts in January.

Well thanks friends for reading with me these past months. I so appreciate it! Not sure I’ll see you in January… I’m sure after some time off this franchise, I’ll be chomping at the bit to yell at my TV again, but right now it seems daunting. Ha. Again, love you all!