bachelor in paradise thoughts - september 9th+10th shows!

GOOD GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE CHOSE TO GO WITH THE DUDE IN THE VAN. Sorry, I feel better now that I got that off my chest.

Night One

Dean comes back and wants to be with Caelynn. I mean he wants to TRY to be with Caelynn. He’s not going to promise anything, which he makes clear, but he’d like to sort of hang out with her. I can’t believe she went with him. When deciding between Connor and Dean, she says that there’s a safe choice and a challenging choice and she’s always wanted someone who will challenge her. Ummm, I think she’s mixing up her clichés. There’s definitely a safe choice and a risky choice, yes. Connor is safe because he’s not a psycho and doesn’t live in a fucking van. Dean is the risky choice because he’s not emotionally equipped to be in a committed relationship. And is homeless. But whatever, I’m not sure she’s all there either. Maybe they’ll grow up together in his van and live happily ever after. With ramen.

Side note – Kristian looks how I would look on a beach in Mexico. Slightly sunburned, no makeup, and totally disheveled pool hair of which only half makes it into the ponytail.

Chris Bukowski needs therapy. I actually love him, but I feel like he needs to chill the shit out and just have a girlfriend and see what happens. There’s sooooooo much talk about him this episode and whether he’s THERE with Katie or in love or ready to freaking marry her. Just relax and date her. Chillsies.

Revian? Rev? Why even bother, Bachelor people? Whoever Rev is, she arrives and asks Connor on a date, where they ride the Mexican version of the Segway, and probably just barely avoided death.

Demi is mad at Kristian for flirting with other girls. No wait, she’s mad at herself for not touching Kristian enough in public. No, no, she’s mad at Kristian for wanting Demi to touch her in public. Demi is sad she doesn’t WANT to touch Kristian in public. Me confused.

Demi and Kristian go on a date and get “cleansed” in some odd ritual. And Chris and Katie’s date was at a stranger’s crappy wedding. Man, dates in Mexico are the WORST.

JPJ takes Tayshia to a fake prom he created on the beach, which actually just consists of P-R-O-M balloons hung over the same day bed on the beach that they all use for dry humping. But it’s cute, I guess. Until he belches over her shoulder and I can smell it from here. So gross.

Wait is Air Supply there?

Blake has gone from humping everyone to wanting to be with Hannah, and now he thinks Kristina is the mother of his children. WTF? Kristina tells Blake that it’s not going to work. I’m shocked, actually. But I give her credit for recognizing that Blake is proooobably just lonely in paradise and really wanted a vacation girlfriend. So they both leave…

Night Two

Remember when I said Mexico dates are the worst? Hannah and Dylan have to go to a kid’s birthday party. I mean, that’s not even remotely fun. At least at the crappy street wedding, they could drink, but this is insane. I still remember the joy I felt the day I realized my kids were finally old enough to be DROPPED OFF at other kid’s birthday parties and I didn’t have to go watch. But hey, they said I love you to each other for the first time there, so that’s pretty romantic. (?)

Apparently, Connor didn’t click with Rev on the Mexican Segway date, so now he claims he can’t stop thinking about Whitney. Who the shit is Whitney, you say? Good question. She is random hot girl invited to Chris and Krystal’s wedding. Apparently, they had a good conversation. Soooo, even though Connor was heartbroken about Caelynn five minutes ago, in the five minutes since then he CANNOT STOP thinking about Whitney. Man, these people move on quickly.

Anyway, he says if she doesn’t come down the stairs in five minutes, he’ll leave. So he leaves. But guess what? Whitney then arrives! So annoying. But apparently when you say you want to leave paradise, you get to check in to a fancy hotel, so Whitney just turns back around, and takes the Bachelor SUV to the hotel and surprises Connor. He’s shirtless and pleased and they kiss on the hotel balcony.

Nicole and Clay go on a date, and in weird paradise-desperation-fashion, she’s terrified Clay isn’t on the same page as her. You guys, this is SO annoying. I get that the producers want proposals and good TV, but there’s nothing that says a couple can’t just leave paradise happy and dating, and fucking just SEE WHERE IT GOES. So annoying.

Nicole asks Clay if he’s falling in love with her and he says he wants to spend time with her at breakfast but she takes too long getting ready. It’s a weird response. Nicole claims she CANNOT get engaged to someone who isn’t sure of her and their relationship. Well, yeeeeeah, in general that’s a good rule of thumb.

More moments of Chris worrying about being in his head too much. Why is everyone so worried about making sure they KNOW they’re with the right person? Isn’t that what dating is? Geesh. Oh and Tayshia paints JPJ in a denim speedo posing like Kate Winslet in Titanic. Also a weird segment.

Rose Ceremony

Matt Donald is torn on who to give his rose to. In his words, he knows he can talk to Sydney about anything and they can connect on a deeper level, but Brie is a supermodel. Seriously that’s what he says. He’s worried about his mom being mad if he kisses someone…she’ll be furious at this development.

But first, in what is possibly Bachelor in Paradise’s most awkward moment, Luke tries to give his rose to Brie who obviously has lots of experience in dumping boys. Girl doesn’t flinch, just says no thanks. Harrison only makes things worse. Despite the fact that he JUST said a rose should symbolize love and commitment and moving forward, he now just asks if anyone in the room WANTS to just take his damn rose. He’s just tossing it up there for free. And nobody wants it. Not even Rev, so yeah, that must feel good.

Other roses are predictable - Dylan to Hannah, JPJ to Tayshia, Chase to Angela, Clay to Nicole, Demi to Kristian, and Chris to Katie. So Haley, Rev and Sydney head home. The next morning, Harrison tells the couples that they need to chat and decide if they want to move forward with their relationship and head to a fantasy suite tonight. Here’s a rundown of the conversations:

1)    Brie cheese tells Matt that it’s clear he only likes her because she’s a supermodel. Ouch. So they’re out.

2)    Chase tells Angela there’s something missing for him. So thanks for that, ouch. They’re out.

3)    Hannah and Dylan head to fantasy suites.

4)    Nicole cries happy tears when she sees Clay, saying it just feels so good because nobody has ever been happy to see her before. I mean….that sucks. But they decide to go to fantasy suites.

5)    Tayshia and her incredibly white teeth, talk with JPJ who tells her he’s in love with her. She says she’s not in love with him yet, but would like to get there. So to ME, this means, yay, let’s keep dating and see what happens. But to them, that means goodbye, cry cry, hug, drive away, cry. So weird.

6)    Demi and Kristian talk a lot about emotions and anxiety and touching and giving 100% and I don’t get it. They decide to head to fantasy suites though.

7)    Chris and Katie… weirdest one yet. I think he’s trying to dump her, but sort of gets talked out of it. Which is rarely a good move – trying to talk someone out of dumping you. But in this case, I think it might make sense because he might actually really like her and is just freaking out? So we’ll see. It doesn’t feel like it’ll go the distance, but his penis will be going the distance in Katie’s vagine in the fantasy suites tonight.

That’s it for this week! No show next Monday, I guess and then next Tuesday is the finale. And then there’s the reunion show which could be fun. I think that’s after the show on Tuesday… Anyway, stick with me people. Six days left!