bachelor in paradise thoughts - august 5th+6th shows!

I’m in a horrendous mood so this might be an extra pissy recap. I really hate everyone. But mostly I hate the fact that I have to wait five more nights to watch this show again.

So after four hours of Bachelor in Paradise this week, I oddly have very little to report. It’s amazing how fast four hours flew by, how riveted I was, yet…not much happened. First a quick recap and then some thoughts: 

Recap:

  • Chris Bukowski is the geriatric participant here, at the ripe old age of 32. He’s there along with Tayshia, Hannah G., Katie, Demi, Clay, Sydney, Annaliese, Blake, Caelynn, Cam, Wills, Bibiana, John Paul Jones, Onyeka, Nicole, Dylan, Kristina, Derek and a couple of non-essentials like Kevin and Jane (who?). Jesus that’s a lot of people.

  • Most of the guys love Hannah and most of the girls love Blake. And MAN does that get convoluted later. Oy.

  • It’s amazing how fast things move. Hannah likes Blake, then she likes Dylan, then she makes out with Wills, then she makes out with Dylan again and FINALLY she makes out with Blake. All within 48 hours.

  • Speaking of Wills…he likes Hannah, and randomly tries to swallow her little face. She barely makes it out alive, poor thing.

  • Other making out that’s notable (And by notable, I mean, totally forgettable): Demi and Derek, Nicole and Clay, and Tayshia and Blake.

  • Clay asks Nicole out on a date, and Annaliese is not pleased about it, mostly because Annaliese is as crazy as they come.

  • Cam somehow convinces Caelynn to make out with him. What in the actual F.

  • Blake recap: A few months ago, he slept with Kristina and the next night, he slept with Caelynn. Now he’s in paradise with them both, who are not pleased with him. Caelynn claims he told her that she was a mistake and they need to keep their banging a secret. Blake doesn’t seem to recall it going that way, but seems to feel pretty bad about it all (FYI – today, Blake released text messages between the two of them that seem to support his story.) I’m torn here. It seems like Caelynn isn’t quite accurate with her recollection of it all, but one chain of texts doesn’t tell the whole story. But, not cool to release private texts. But also not super cool to hump two people who know each other, within 36 hours. But, I’m tired of all this already. Let’s move on.

OK Honestly, I may have left out some details, but I just recapped four hours of TV in eight bullet points. That’s how much filler BS is there (and by “filler BS”, I mean amazingness).

Thoughts:

  • Kevin should not have worked out quite so hard. He looks ridiculous and the fact that he proudly declares he spent 5 hours in the gym every day is unappealing.

  • Jane. Who the shit is Jane? Jane was chosen because she seems a bit…off her rocker. Also, she likes hot sauce, but in a super sexual way.

  • Clay tells Bibiana that she’s attractive but she’s more than just a pretty face, and he “likes that in a woman”. I mean…honestly. He likes his women to have, what – personality? functioning limbs? Wow, deep thoughts, Clay.

  • When Kristina arrives in paradise, she tells Harrison, “This is my home.” Say what? Red flag, people.

  • Dylan needs lessons on how to play it cool. STAT.

  • Jane feeds John Paul Jones something and he barfs. A lot. Can’t be food poisoning since it was six seconds after he ate it. Could be Jane’s sexual hot sauce?

  • John Paul Jones and Onyeka making out is ALMOST weirder than Cam and Caelynn. Almost. 

OK people, I’m excited to see what happens, I admit. But it’s also so stupid, you know? I feel like I could be doing something more worthwhile like reading or hiking. OMG kidding, this is amazing.