bachelor in paradise thoughts - august 26+27th shows!

Four hours is just too much, people. Especially when the first two hours are solely dedicated to Tahzjuan. My god, that was painful.

Night One…

Tayshia JUST realized that she can date Derek now that Demi is out of the picture, so she tells John Paul Jones (JPJ), to feel free to go on other dates. Cue…….Tahzjuan. The first thing out of her mouth is, “I don’t care about anyone but myself”, and then something about stepping on everyone’s toes. So that’s nice. This really is like a hunger games type of thing, but instead of killing everyone else, it’s humping. That doesn’t make sense at all. 

JPJ and Tahzjuan go on a date and I am highly amused at the discussion over the date food. Bachelor fans know that these two actually eat beforehand, and then they put food in front of them just to look at, for the filmed date part. Why? Because we don’t want to see these people talk and stuff their stupid faces at the same time. Which I appreciate.

So you’re not supposed to eat the date food. But JPJ was napping when this was explained to him by the producers, so he is dumbfounded that he’s not allowed to eat food that was placed in front of him. So Tahzjuan tries to communicate this to him but he’s so fucking annoying that he just dives in like a caveman.  I mean, I can’t believe Tahzjuan stayed there. This would’ve been a “what the hell have I gotten myself into here” moment for me. Anyway, they dive into a river to cool off because Tahzjuan has an overheating problem. They kiss. They go home. The rest of this episode is watching her melt down over JPJ, because he later goes on a date with Haley. We see her sweating a lot, screaming a little and aggressively shoveling ramen in her mouth. While in the pool.

Caelynn tries to talk to Dean about feelings, which is never a good idea with that guy. Anyhoo, he says things like, “I like you, but I never want to talk about emotions at dinner parties on Saturdays.” Ummm, does anyone? I mean… “Welcome everyone! So excited you could all make it to my crab feed dinner party. Before we dive in, I’d like to tell everyone I’ve been feeling depressed lately. I’m just a little down on myself due to some recent weight gain. Anyhoo, enjoy your night. Cheers!” I’m not sure why my example had to be a crab feed.

OK At least he’s being honest. He’s saying in 100 different ways that he likes her, but wants no part of normal life, with a normal girlfriend/wife and all that entails. I mean, he lives in a van and looks like a pedophile. Does this actually shock her? She needs to run. I mean, if she’s down with van life and not getting married, then great! But she’s not, so deal with it. He’s a weird, messed up dude, but at least he’s not leading her on?  She DOES make a good point, though, when she wonders why he came there. I mean, the point of Paradise is to meet a spouse, as insane as that sounds. So she has a point. But to his defense, most people don’t end up married after the show, so maybe he just wanted a little humping and some more Instagram followers?

Cocktail party highlights: Derek and Tayshia talk, where she is CLEARLY trying to get him to make out with her and forget about Demi. Blake tells Caitlin he’s going to give her the rose, but Kristina promises him sexual favors if he chooses her instead. He says OK. That didn’t happen. I don’t think.

Rose Ceremony

Guys give out roses (except Demi who gives one to Kristian), and there aren’t too many surprises here. Blake does give his rose to Kristina, and Caitlin is pissed but he realizes he wasn’t super into her and if he gave her a rose, she’d basically consider them engaged, so he needs to cut that shit off STAT. Derek gives his rose to Tayshia, making JPJ give his rose to Haley. And Chris decides to give Katie his rose, sending Jen home (along with Caitiln and Tahzjuan).

Night Two…

Dean dumps Caelynn and goes home. He told her ten times that he’s a homeless nomad with no desire to do dinner parties, PTA meetings or home births. Yet, she continues to think this will change if they’re together long enough, so he decides to leave and cut it off. At least he did it after the rose ceremony so she could stay? Caelynn is sad and says to the camera, “I thought he was my forever.” Really? REALLY? Do we feel so shitty about ourselves that we actually want to marry the homeless guy? Ehhh, I forgive her. When I was 24, I wanted to marry a 38-year-old raging alcoholic musician, who cheated on me and stole money from me. We all went slumming.

They all head off to Chris and Krystal’s wedding, where the producers try to stir up some drama. Wedding highlights:

  • JPJ yells at Derek for taking sexual advantage of his podcast listeners. Huh.

  • The actual wedding part was long and painful. Off topic - Do you think Goose and Krystal are happy that Demi’s new girlfriend was able to attend the wedding? Must have meant a lot to them.

  • Caelynn does a depression 180 when she sees Connor walk in. They talk for sixteen seconds when they realize they should just start making out.

  • Clay’s ex-girlfriend is a bridesmaid in the wedding, so in an effort to create drama, the producers only allow a small group of the Paradise cast to stay at the reception. Clay can stay, Nicole must go. Producers are seriously the smarmiest group of dickheads.

  • So Clay talks to Angela and there is ZERO drama here. He broke up with her because he didn’t love her all that much. He still feels this way, but he probably does still care about her because he’s a nice human. And he feels bad he hurt her. Again – nice human. He never says or does anything that deviates from this, but the producers will only air him saying, “I still care about you”, over and over again. So dumb. 

Connor arrives in paradise the next day and takes Caelynn on a date where they put paint on themselves, and then roll all over each other on a big canvas or something. They create the ugliest solid gray painting ever and then make out a bunch, but he has shit in his teeth, and I can’t watch it.

Angela arrives in Paradise and it’s just all so stupid. Sigh. But I’ll still watch. When does this end? Good god. Theoretically, this could go on for years?