bachelor in paradise thoughts - august 19+20th shows!

It seems daunting to recap four hours of TV, but then once I think about it, I could pretty much do it in a few sentences. MAN, this show has mastered the art of filler. Whoa.

OK So we start where we left off with Christian and Jordan going at it. Jordan attempts to tear down Christian’s pinata, and as any rational human knows, you do NOT fuck with another man’s pinata. Quite frankly, that was rather obnoxious of Jordan, but the guy is annoying and just wants his reality TV fame. Christian is pissed and they fight. The best part is that the production dudes (and one random lifeguard), try to break up the fight and when they think he’s calm, he breaks out like a wild dog and goes after Jordan again. They kick them both off the show and I REALLY wanted them to be put in the same SUV.

Nicole now realizes that “aggressive and manly” actually meant “unstable with severe anger management issues”. Turns out teddy bear Clay might be a better dude. GO FIGURE.

Side note: Dylan always has a finger in his mouth.

Hannah is still unsure if she wants Blake or Dylan. Dylan woos her with cheese and gummy bears (vomit) and says, “I’ll always choose you over anyone, and I’ll be here for you while you figure it out.” REALLY? MAYBE THAT’S NOT A GREAT PLAN. Maybe you tell her to stop making out with Blake in front of him and show him respect. OK Back off, Jen. He’s really sweet but it’s just all a bit desperate feeling. I just wish he would play it a tiiiny bit cooler.

Rose Ceremony

Onyeka says she’s not giving out a rose and going home, which means three dudes are leaving. The roses go to who you would expect except Hannah actually gives her rose to Dylan which truly surprises me, and Kristina gives hers to Blake. This must have been a producer request. Or she actually is delusional enough to think he might want to be with her. Cam, Kevin and Wills head home.

Caitlin shows up, and Dylan comments that hopefully she didn’t go to Stagecoach. Hahahaha. But then, surprise, she DID go to Stagecoach. What kind of sex fest IS this festival? Maybe I should go.

She asks Blake on a date, mostly because there’s nobody else there who isn’t coupled up. They do tantric yoga, which is sweaty and graphic. Turns out it’s really just Blake and Caitlin doing the Superman.

Blake is smart enough to come clean to Caitlin about his skanky past, but omits JUST enough information that he still looks OK to her. She doesn’t give a shit and they make out.

Dylan and Hannah get to go on a date. Dylan is pleased because he says, “This has been the hardest few weeks of my entire life.” I mean, really? REALLY? He could at least disclaim it with something like, “I mean, I know I’m young and haven’t had any real tragedy to deal with yet, but to ME, this has been hard.” I hate people. Also, have I said this yet? The odds of Hannah and Dylan getting married are as close to zero without being zero as one can get. I’ll be an Olympic shot putter before that happens.

On their date, 101 half-naked men run terrifyingly out of the shadows. This isn’t like last week where three mariachi dudes pop out of a bush. This is a straight up Aztec warrior ambush. Dylan probably pooped his pants.

Why do I like Chris Bukowski?

Oddly, I love this weird John Paul Jones/Tayshia combo.

Hannah B. shows up to chat with Demi which seems like an awfully long way to go for that. Demi could’ve just bonded with Harrison. Which she does anyway! This whole Demi/Derek/Kristian thing goes on for WAY too long. As we know, Demi was dating a woman (Kristian), when she left for Paradise. Now she’s dating Derek. But she’s torn. So she talks about it. A LOT.

Harrison acts like he personally chose to fly Kristian to Paradise when in fact, it was a long planned calculated move by the Producers to show that they’re not homophobic. I hate this show. I mean, I love it, but I hate it.

Caitlin is annoyed with Kristina who keeps flirting with Blake. Kristina needs a rose and also probably still wants to be with Blake. But Caitlin had a date with him, so he’s HERS NOW DAMMIT. Caitlin tries to talk to Kristina who turns out to be a crazy, defensive meanie pants. Caitlin says to her, “You’re difficult to talk to because you get so heated.” Kristina replies with, “I’M SORRY MY TONE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO YOU!!!! ROAR!!!” Geesh, girlfriend.

Jen is there, whoever that is. She’s very prrrrty and she asks Chris out on a date. In reality, Chris is super fired up and really wants to go because he liked Katie but mostly because there was nobody else to like. So he’s fired up. And things REALLY work out for him because Katie, in an attempt to be laid back and un-Dylan-like, tells Chris he can do whatever he wants. So he plays that like, “I’m not sure of her commitment level to me now”. Lies! Hahaha.

They take a catamaran ride which only makes Chris barf for a couple hours. They head back to Paradise where hopefully he brushed his teeth. They make out in a hot tub for a bit and Chris says, “I don’t know if I’m all-in on Katie as much as I thought I was. Or as much as I’m “all-in RIGHT NOW on Jen in this hot tub. BOOM!” He didn’t say that.

Nicole sings to Clay and it’s by far the most uncomfortable I’ve been in three weeks. Her voice sounds like she swallowed a soft taco without chewing it, and she’s doing this spastic dance, climbing action. Thank goodness Clay is just as uncomfortable as I am, so he just tries to stick his tongue in her mouth to shut her up. Thank god.

OK Back to Demi. Kristian arrives, and Demi is happy. She tells Derek she’s going to be with Kristian. My question is, why don’t they leave? They know they want to be together, they don’t need paradise. They don’t need to torture Derek. Just go.  

But alas, they don’t go. They head to dinner and declare their love, blah blah blah. Let’s get back to John Paul Jones. See ya next week, peeps.