bachelor in paradise thoughts - august 12th+13th shows!

I can’t believe how long this show is, for what little actually happens. Don’t get me wrong – I’m still glued to every stupid minute, but it’s amazing how much fluff happens here. Here are some highlights:

  • After four hours last week, we finally get a rose ceremony. No real surprises except when did Wills and Katie decide to pair up? And Kevin and Sydney? What the?

  • John Paul Jones is Spicoli. I’m suuuuper dating myself here, but google it. I’m not wrong.

  • Jane, Annaliese and Bibiana are all sent home. I liked Bibster, but the others, good riddance. Poor Annaliese is the worst.

  • Jordan arrives and this guy is also the worst. He’s just out for Instagram likes for his modeling career.

  • Jordan is very mad at Blake for humping everyone because this taints his beach for some reason. Newsflash – beach was tainted long before Blake, yo.

  • I appreciate that Demi doesn’t always wear makeup…like a normal person on a beach.

  • Jordan takes Nicole on his date and the Go Pro camera angle on the zipline is NOT friendly to Nicole.

  • Cam. Oh Cam. He recaps his day to Caelynn in poetic form and it goes down in flames. Why don’t we girls like the sweet boys? Because this shit is unattractive. I can’t explain it. You get it, ladies.

  • Mike is here and takes Caelynn on a date, who is thrilled to get away from Cam. But it’s not a really relaxing date as mariachis keep jumping out of bushes.

  • Wills tells Katie he likes her and IMMEDIATELY regrets that decision as she loses her mind and cries. A lot. I’m very confused as to why she’s crying? Wills just wants to get the hell out of there.

  • I love that when Chris’ name pops on the screen, there are two lines of credits, listing all the Bachelor shows he’s been on. I love the Bachelor crew member who came up with that.

  • Blake decides to only like Hannah (for now) and spins her around on the beach and makes out with her, about 15 feet from Dylan. Doesn’t help that the Bachelor cameras put a spotlight on them. Dylan confronts them…sort of. They just tell him to leave and he does. Atta’ boy Dylan! You show ‘em! (eye roll)

  • Demi and Derek are actually cute together. But she tells Katie she likes both boys and girls and Katie cries. She has a tear duct problem, I think.

  • News comes out that Blake flew to Alabama to meet Hannah a week before paradise and I don’t get this. A – Why would he do that when he has paradise coming up and a FREE plane ticket to hump Hannah? And B – Why is this such a scandal? Dylan calls it the ultimate slap in the face. Really? I actually think them making out in front of you on the beach is more a slap in the face, but what the shit do I know?

  • Tayshia is sexually frustrated and oddly takes it out on Hannah. I’m not entirely sure why she’s yelling at her? Do I seem extra confused this week? Maybe I should pay more attention when I watch this show and not get sidetracked with more exciting things. Like Candy Crush.

  • Dean looks like a fucking homeless porn star and I’m BEYOND confused as to how they all think he’s attractive. I’m with Harrison on this one. I’m MORE confused as to how Caelynn would want to date him. I mean……you want to hang out in his van? Throw a snake in this van and it’s my worst nightmare.

  • Cam quote of the week: “I’ve just been being myself and it’s not working.” Yeeeeeah. No comment.

  • Switch up, people. Pay attention here. Katie and Chris are now making out, and Sydney and Mike are chatting. I love all the airtime sucked into Blake and Hannah and that leaves ZERO time to explain how all these other people are hopping around.

  • Christian is there and this guy is smarmy-city. I bet he has a mild case of some STD.

  • Christian and Nicole go out on a date, and they don’t actually speak in real sentences. Everything is a half-sentence sexual inuendo. Example: “You’re going to get me in trouble.” “What kind of trouble?” “The good kind.” I mean, is this supposed to be foreplay? Yuckers.

  • Nicole recap: She’s where I was when I was 24, too. She likes the apparent hotness and sexual aggressiveness of Christian. The fact that he’s a bad boy and smarmy is a turn-on. She knows Clay is a better guy and probably more husband material but he’s a puppy dog and too sweet, and she’s too young to really get it. So we’ll see who she chooses.

  • Demi tells Derek about her bi-sexualness and he takes it like a champ. He’s a good guy who really wants to get married, so he’ll cling to hope for a second, but they’re bound to go down in flames.

  • Caelynn and Dean go on a date and she digs him. Oddly. At the cocktail party, she’s snuggling on his chest and asks where he showers. LADIES. If you have to ask your boyfriend where he showers and his answer is a bit wishy-washy, like “oh friend’s houses or maybe a river”, you need to WALK THE FUCK AWAY.

  • Mike likes Sydney and this makes me happy.

  • Chris tells the camera he likes Katie, but it’s really more of a “I like her because she’s sort of the last resort.” He says, “I like her because there’s nobody else I’m interested in. I want a rose from her because I don’t want one from anyone else.” Thanks?

  • John Paul Jones and Tayshia are about the oddest couple ever, but I kind of dig it. No way that one will end in marriage, but it’ll be fun to watch.

  • Clay tries to be more Christian-like with his aggression and attempts to steal Nicole away from him. He says no. Clay walks away. Go get ‘em! Sigh.

  • Jordan wants some airtime so he says he’ll go be aggressive by ripping down Christian’s pinata. Apparently, you DO NOT fuck with another man’s pinata. Christian goes bananas and attacks Jordan. Annnd the show ends. OOOOOooooo, we’ll have to see what happens next week. Cliffhanger! 

Well this show is long and painful, but I’m into it now, so I’ll see you next week!