the bachelorette thoughts - july 1st show!

The ENTIRE reason I’m continuing to watch this show is because I want to see the upcoming scene with Luke play out. In previous previews, he says something about “the marital bed” and I was already sold. NOW we find out she’s humped a contestant already in a windmill?!? And she gets to tell Luke about it? That’s good TV, people.

Last night, however, NOT great TV. The only thing that was great was that she axed THREE of the seven dudes! We finally did some clear cutting. Took long enough.


Jed Date

She takes Jed out on the first one-on-one date in the Netherlands and I love Garrett who comments, “He didn’t bring his guitar, did he?” No, he did not, and I guarantee he was super pissed to be surprised with the date and not have the opportunity to show off. I really, really hope he’s not as smarmy as he now appears to be (apparently, he totally had a girlfriend before he came on the show).

Side note: I hate Jed’s big ass ring.

They check out the town, MAYBE hump in a windmill and then head to fake dinner where they basically profess their love for each other. I think she picks him, and it sucks that all this crap just came out about him. Anyhoo, we will see. He gets the date rose.


Tyler Date

Tyler is terrified of horses. This is surprising. Tyler’s number one selling point is that he’s a total DUDE, yet feels sensitive and sweet. Being completely terrified of a horse takes away from this allure just a smidge. And the PANTS.

He tries to eat pickled herring like a man, but that backfires. Oh yes, he is definitely gagging on that. Oh no, ohhhh no, yup he pretty much just barfed that up. This also takes away a bit of his allure.

Side note: Not even including his terror, the horses are a terrible idea. Is that even allowed? They seem intrusive on the sidewalk and almost as if they’ll go apeshit at any moment and stampede over these nice people on the streets. I think laws are looser in Europe about public safety-type concerns.

They have fake dinner, profess love and he gets the rose.


Mike Date

Actually, before Mike’s date, Connor visits Hannah to say hi and spend time with her because he’s sad he didn’t get the last one-on-one date. This move backfires, AS IT ALWAYS DOES. But he was going home either way, I guess. Anyway, Hannah sends him home and his creaky door voice is in full effect. It gets more severe when he’s sad. Who knew?

Connor is actually really sweet, you guys. I feel bad making fun of his voice… I got drunk last weekend and sang Hamilton songs really loudly for a good ten minutes and my friend took videos of me and sent them to me and trust me when I say I should never, ever make fun of someone else’s voice.

Mike and Hannah ride some bikes around town (a MUCH better idea than horses). Then they get almost naked but wrap themselves in very cheesy silk scarves. They cuddle together and a very free-spirited artist lady paints them. Where’s that painting now? 

Hannah dresses for the evening in severe hair and makeup, which matches the SUPER dramatic sequence of her looking at art. She cries…but we all know it’s not about the art, but the edit is fun. Anyhoo, Mike meets her and she slowwwwwly explains how she’s not meant to be his 4th girl (in line after his mom, grandma, and sister…I presume, which is simultaneously sweet and creepy). He’s SO freaking nice, you guys. He’s annoyingly mature and sweet about getting dumped and he will absolutely be the next Bachelor. They need a black guy – they’ve never had one before, right? And this show gets a lot of shit about liking white people, so Mike’s perfect.

Group Date

There are only three dudes on this date, and because Luke is one of them, it’s bound to be an annoying one.

Side note: Back in the hotel, Tyler is now wearing a hooded YET SLEEVELESS shirt. Well Huh.

So Garrett, Luke and Peter don’t do much except head to some building to hang out. I actually totally forget what they do on this date, nor do I care. Excellent reporting, I know.

Luke bitches to Hannah about the other guys and then she confronts Garrett BLAH BLAH BLAH. I am so tired of this…as is Hannah, apparently, but yet she STILL KEEPS HIM. I mean, come on. Luke and Garrett then fight a bit, but that’s really just aggressive staring and smiling and a little bologna tossing.

She gives Peter the rose because he’s not a psycho asshole. At fake dinner, Hannah gives Luke the rose as America groans. She defends this to us by saying she’s connected to him through her faith because he found Jesus in a shower. Yeeeeet, she humps in windmills, so perhaps super religious guy who showers with Jesus isn’t the best choice after all, am I right?

She walks Garrett out and I don’t even love that guy and I almost cry when he says goodbye. It was SAD, you guys.

So we’re down to four. Hometowns next week, then fantasy suites, blah blah blah. Again, I’m just here for the marital bed talk. See you soon!