the bachelorette thoughts - july 15th show!

Like Peter, who can’t play it cool anymore, I can’t hide how freaking excited I am for this episode. Bachelor people played this well – they’ve been touting this Luke/Hannah showdown for weeks and I’m EXCITED.

Peter Date

They’re in Crete Greece, where that American lady scientist was just found murdered, so that’s a PR bummer for them. We start off with Peter’s date, and he’s greeted with a very predictable front piggy back. 

Peter wins this week because not only does he hump Hannah in a windmill (twice) but he gets the boat date, which is lightyears better than the “let’s explore X city culture date”. Peter can’t control his excitement but has a hard time expressing this without sounding like a 15-year-old boy. Case in point, here is something that actually comes out of Peter’s mouth: “If I could get a picture of you with this background, I’d make it my phone screen saver forever.”

Later as they sit on some sofa, Peter tells her that he loves her but only after three hours of painful stutter about love, fate, flying, etc. OMG SPIT IT OUT. He says it finally. Whoopie. Also, he tells Hannah that she challenges him, she pushes him and inspires him. Really? REALLY? How the shit did Hannah do that in the 16 days they’ve know each other? I’ve been with my husband for 16 years and I don’t think I’ve pushed him once.

They head to the fantasy suite in the windmill where he tells Hannah that’s he’s “all-in”. I think he means in his relationship and love, but he also might mean his peeeeeenis. I have to say I’m surprised this is the guy she humps. There’s something asexual about him. Maybe it’s the constant smiling and awkward words but I can’t picture him naked on top of me. Tyler on the other hand…

Tyler Date

Tyler is greeted with the rooftop front piggy, of course. This one is more understandable though – I’d front piggy him too. They go to a spa and get side-by-side massages which quickly escalates into dry humping. Oh yup, now he’s just lying on top of her. Good lord this is GRAPHIC.

At fake dinner, Tyler says the theme of all their dates together this season has been that they’ve all been easy. Aaaaaaas opposed to the more physically demanding yachting or walking around dates? Hannah then tells Tyler that sexy time between them is easy, but she wants to make sure they can have an actual conversation too, because you know, marriage. So she suggests fantasy suite without sex, which undoubtedly bums him out, but he was apparently very sweet about it. Which just makes me want to do more dirty things to him.

So they head to fantasy suite on a boat and the next morning, she’s all smitten with how cute and respectful he is. I feel he may be frontrunner now.

Jed Date

Jed is having a hard time letting go of the fact that Hannah gave Luke a rose at the last ceremony. Yeah? Well, I’M HAVING A HARD TIME THAT YOU WENT ON THIS SHOW WITH A GIRLFRIEND. So I guess we all have pet peeves, mmmmmmKAY? 

They head to some really random Greek family party in what seems like an alley. You can just see it on all their faces – “Why the hell are there two random Americans here with cameras?” One mysterious Greek lady with sunglasses on even in the shade asks Hannah how she will ever choose. I mean AWKWARD. Jed is RIGHT THERE, lady.

Hannah stutters her answer and Jed pulls her aside asking why the hell she likes Luke. She stutters more and they head to fake dinner where he asks her AGAIN to explain it all to him. I think Jed must just feel irritable since it’s been an entire afternoon since he’s played the guitar on national TV.

They somehow move through this and head to the fantasy suite. No word on whether this was a respect-filled date or a double hump night.

Luke date

Wow a HUGE front piggy greeting for Luke. Take ‘em while you can, buddy.

They head to Santorini which looks gorgeous…and um, tourists galore whoa. I’m totally impatient during this date because I’m so excited for the dinner meltdown. So let’s just move on to that. 

Luke starts with some super bizarre talk about wanting to make history in his family. I truly have no clue what he’s talking about, and neither does Hannah, clearly. She’s giving him a courtesy nod every now and then. THEN Luke says sex can be nice, if only within the guidelines of marriage. So in my experience sex is fun, yes, but it was more fun BEFORE the guidelines of marriage? OMG just kidding husband, love you. 

He basically says sex before marriage is bad and he wants to make sure they’re on the same page with their morals and that she hasn’t done anything as AWFUL as banging anyone else on the show. She’s all, “ummmmmmmmmmm……..” And then he keeps talking and makes it way easier for her to be all, “F you.”

They go back and forth, and he says things like he can understand a slip-up, and they’d work through her sins. She’s all AW HELL NO. She rips into him and says sure she’s super religious and maybe that means she’s not supposed to have premarital sex but whatever those rules seem kind of soft nowadays and hey, she was in a windmill. OK No I’m kidding. She’s religious but not SO religious that she won’t have sex before marriage, and she is NOT HAPPY with Luke shaming her or calling her humps “slip-ups”. She meant to do it, dude. Not a mistake.

She says she’s finally gotten clarity on him and she doesn’t want him to be her husband and America cheers. He says he bought her dinner, so she OWES him. He didn’t say that. They fight more and she finally gets him into the going-home limo. 

Previews next week – I’m still into it. I want to see what happens when Luke comes back, and I want to see who her final two are (My guess? Tyler and Jed). Men Tell All will probably be more annoying than anything as everyone will yell at Luke the entire time.