Down to 15. And at the end of this episode? Still 15. Come ON.

They’re off to Rhode Island, and according to Harrison, this is “where the rich and powerful play”. Wait, really? How did I not know this? Probably because I’m not rich or powerful. Also, I’m preeeetty sure they’re not playing at that shithole of a hotel. Ohhhh I know it’s not that bad, calm down.


Jed One-on-One Date

As soon as they get there, Jed is forced to go to Boston. I swear, how do they keep up with this travel schedule? Anyhoo, Jed and Hannah walk around Boston and end up at Cheers, where they talk but I can’t hear a goddamn thing they’re saying. Just another reason why this show is for the 40 and under crowd. Seriously I feel like I’m 100 - I’m sitting on the sofa yelling at my husband, “Eh?? What did she say??”

They force two Boston Celtic players to waste an afternoon watching Hannah and Jed rub up against each other on the court. Not only THAT, but they make one poor dude talk to Hannah about her feelings and what she should look for in a man. And oddly, this guy gives her the most profound advice that’s ever been uttered on this show. He should be the resident therapist. Gasp! That would be amaaaaaazing. He would get his ass completely kicked in the locker room though.

Off to fake dinner, where Jed admits he was originally excited about coming on the show because it’s such a big platform for his music, but now he only wants Hannah. I’d say only is a bit of a stretch, riiiiiiight? I mean, Hannah AND a boosted music career would be acceptable, no? I want to like him, I really do. Just can’t tell yet. But I DO think I can picture him naked on top of me.


Group Date #1

This date is for Dylan, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Connor, Garrett, Dustin and his nose ring, Devin, Grant, Peter, Kevin, Mike, Luke S., and Luke P.

As if we don’t have enough drama and people getting hurt on this show, they make these dudes play RUGBY. I have problems with rugby because apparently, they don’t wear helmets? How can that be at all smart? And a guy who is the most Boston dude on the planet, tells them that rugby is supposed to be horrific, ripping each other limb from limb and perhaps even murdering each other. I mean, I may have exaggerated a bit, but not much. Plus, his accent just makes it sound so hardcore.

So these pansies are going to get hurt. I’m shocked there was only one ambulance ride, actually. And that appears to be from Kevin stretching incorrectly or something. The whole date is about Luke P. being a steroid-ed maniac and the other teensy weensy Luke who is no older than 15, being terrified of him. I mean, rightfully so because Luke P. is insane. But baby Luke is rather annoying about this whole thing too. Just relax and let it go. The worst part here is that he’s going to go home and he’s going to think it’s all Luke P.’s fault when she would never have married him anyway. Also, these two are guaranteed to be on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.

OMG I JUST remembered right now that I had a sex dream about John Legend last night. WTF?

Side note: Kevin is back from the hospital where they apparently ran out of slings and legit wrapped his shoulder up in ripped hospital sheets. He looks part mummy.

Garrett tells Hannah he’s “crushin hard” on her which is gross, but I like him anyway. He can stay. Also, why is it so hard for everyone to be “vulnerable”? Why are we all so deep at age 22? Garrett gets the date rose.


Tyler One-on-One Date 

She starts the date off by crying next to a fishing boat. Tyler comes to the rescue and is super cute, you guys. He’s one of the few guys I’ve ever seen who can be cute and cheesy and act like he really likes her but doesn’t come across as a big desperate, un-sexy goober. He does it the whole date too – he’s kind of sexy but is totally into her. I’ll give him a try (on top of me naked).

They fish, they hopefully shower, and they head to fake dinner at the oldest saloon in America or something like that. Then they make out on a platform in front of a few thousand people watching Jake Owen, whoever that is. I know, I’m sure he’s popular and I’m the out-of-touch one. I accept this now.

She gave him the rose, but I get the feeling she is not into him nearly as much as he’s into her. Bummer.


Cocktail Party

The cocktail party is literally only about Luke versus Luke. Except for a brief make out sesh with Peter, who asks her to be his girlfriend and even gives her the OK to date 14 other guys. Awwww, that’s nice. Also, he’s a keeper and super cute and nice and blah blah blah but wiggling around me on top of me naked? I’m not there yet.

And Mike tells Hannah he wants her to be his “last queen”, in addition to his mom, grandma and sister (I think). Just gross. Gross.

There is too much Luke/Luke drama to even sift through, so just know it’s a lot of back and forth. Luke P. is crazy and immature and has roid rage, and itty bitty Luke is not sexy and overly angry. They’re both going home. Well, Luke S. is going home first, but no way Luke P. is going the distance here.

The party ends with a Luke/Luke standoff so no rose ceremony. Here is my prediction for the final 5 and I don’t read spoilers so don’t tell me how wrong (or right) I am! OK Final five are: Garrett, Jed, Tyler, Connor and Peter.