the bachelorette thoughts - june 11th show!

It took me two days to write down my thoughts because I’m so completely irritated with this Luke/Luke storyline. It’s not happening with either of them, Hannah, so move on pleeeeease.

Sigh, we start this week where we left off last week – on a sofa with Hannah, Luke and Luke. She says she wants to hear them talk it out. Luke S. tries to explain things and she barks at him like his mother and says, “Don’t talk to me, talk to him.” Then she leaves 60 seconds later. Soooo, she doesn’t really want to hear all this?

This is when the smarter of the two Luke’s realizes he doesn’t stand a chance with Hannah. He leaves soon after. The other 24-year-old Luke is friggin’ clueless. I’m super confused by him. More on that later.

Harrison drops the bomb that the cocktail party is over and everyone is mad because they don’t get another chance to talk to her. Oh calm down, her decision was already made anyway.


Rose Ceremony

First of all, Luke #1 leaves on his own. He knew he was finished, and not because of the Luke drama but because she couldn’t picture him naked on top of her, and he sensed that.

Garrett (golf pro), Jed (singer) and Tyler (oddly hot contractor) already have roses, from last week’s date.  The other roses go to:

Peter - 12-year-old pilot

Connor - 12-year-old whose voice sounds like an old creaky door

Dylan – I’m not entirely sure I know who he is. I mix him up with Devin. He’s small, I think.

Dustin – nose ring

Mike - Very very very smiley, yet seemingly has an anger problem?

Kevin – He’s forgettable and normal? Don’t worry about it. He won’t be here long.

Devin – See Dylan above.

Grant – He looks like he should be a golf pro. Is that weird? But he’s 30 and unemployed so I don’t have much to say. He’s just background at this point, but seems normal, so we’ll see.

Luke P. – He’s a 24-year-old import/export manager (aka UPS store worker) and is really, really, really, really young and clueless. 

Which means John Paul Jones is going home. He’s the one whose career was listed as “John Paul Jones” and he looked like Heath Ledger. The other dude who went home was Matteo and I literally have no idea who that was, so I think he was just a late walk-on or something.

They all head to Scotland and the boys are excited they get to stay in a massive castle. They leave to go explore town and one of them says, “We’re just roaming the streets of Scotland!” Soooo, would that be like saying, “We’re just roaming the streets of the United States.”? I mean, Scotland isn’t a country, it’s like a nation and part of the UK, but kind of a country? These are the things I’m thinking about because this episode is the WORST.


Mike One-on-One

Hannah meets the boys at a bar, does some dumb toast about being open and then takes Mike on a date. Mike is VERY HAPPY about it. They walk around, smell some books in a bookstore, eat some sheep intestine and get drunk off whiskey.

At fake dinner, they chat some more and Mike explains how it takes him longer than most to fall in love. THEN he says he’s a hopeless romantic and says he could see himself down on one knee in a couple weeks. Soooo that’s confusing?

Scotland is apparently all about drinking and eating, which is amazing. Sign me up. 


Group Date

Group date is for Devin, Tyler, Jed, Dylan, Grant, Connor, Dustin, Peter, Kevin and Garrett. They head to the Highland Games – didn’t we do this last year? As the boys arrive, they’re greeted by a “World-Renown” Highland Games guy, who is as Scottish as they get, and says, “Welcome to the Bachelorette Highland Games.” I bet part of him died right then. 

This competition involves tossing axes, carrying milk and then just throwing each other onto the ground. In kilts with no underwear. I don’t get why they’re not allowed to wear underwear. I usually don’t say stuff like this, but I’m just picturing this with girls and they’re forced to wear kilts with no underwear and then wrestle. Hahahahaha. 

OK Peter wins something and runs over to Hannah with his arms outstretched like he’s flying a plane. And he’s a pilot. So yeah, I told you he was 12. 

At the cocktail party afterwards, Hannah appears to have taken an aphrodisiac of some kind. She has a full-length pageant dress but that doesn’t stop her from mounting Jed while he’s in an unforgiving wood chair. Even he says, “Uh, can your dress do this?” A few moments later, she pulls Tyler over to a bed and lays down smack on top of him. He’s all WHOA but he’s into it.

Then Peter sees his big brothers mounting Hannah and he wants to give it a try too, so he clears off a pool table, where the balls just sort of roll back to their starting point, then lifts up Hannah and bashes her head into a light, moves her over and I’M SO UNCOMFORTABLE. This is awkward city and I hide under my sofa for a bit. They make out with him square on top of her and I want to cry picturing the camera man forced to capture that entire fiasco.

Side note: On the group date, the only people left at home are Mike and Luke and it’s super funny. They mostly just sit in the same room and stare at each other.

OK Jed gets the group date rose. He’s a frontrunner, peeps.


Luke P Date

Luke P. date is painful and infuriating. Hannah wants to hash things out. Basically, she really, really likes him and thinks he’s the one. But surprise! Turns out he’s kind of an asswipe, so after this date, she wants to be 100% reassured that he is amazing. This means not only is he fun and sweet, and everyone likes him, but he’s in touch with his feelings and can be emotional and flawed but only in a beautiful, sweet way, not in a “I used to be a felon” type-of-way. 

Needless to say, it fails. He’s probably not a terrible person but he’s SO YOUNG and clueless. Yes, he thinks he has to put on a perfect face, but even when told he doesn’t have to, he can’t really be normal and chill. He’s just a weird dude. I mean, his entire promo entrance into this show was him saying how much ladies like him, and he likes them in return, but then he found Jesus while showering. Let’s not expect too much.

Also, I’m annoyed because this is like date #2. Usually people who just meet don’t have THIS MUCH SHIT TO FIGHT ABOUT OMG SHUT UP.

Dinner is worse than talk on the hill. She’s literally telling him point blank what to say and he’s all, “uhhh, duhh hah haa, whaaaat?” Then it dawns on me. She says, “I just want Luke to be Luke” and he looks at her confused. YOU GUYS. This actually IS Luke. He’s just young and sort of dumb and doesn’t have a lot of depth, soooo stop trying to pull it out of him. Let him free to shower with Jesus, Hannah.

She says she can’t give him the rose and the show ends. This isn’t a cliffhanger. I suspect she’ll say she needs more time with him – she’s not booting him. Then she’ll give him a rose in the next rose ceremony, maybe one more after that, and she’ll finally concede that she CAN picture him naked on top of her but there’s more to marriage than that and will let him go.

OK Hannah cries a lot next week – should be amazing. Ugh, just kidding.