the bachelorette thoughts - may 27th show!

The show is weird. I think Hannah is so wack-a-doo, that the editing is so heavy and therefore, things begin to not make sense. There was a commercial and we came back and boom - Hannah is in a hospital and Tyler G. is gone. Are these two things unrelated? Totally, but I’m shocked the Bachelor franchise didn’t try to spin it as a murder attempt or something. (Somewhere right now a Bachelor producer is reading this and going “DAMMIT!! Why didn’t we dooooo that?”)

Anyhoo, we start this show with a crap-ton of guys left – 19 to be exact. Shoot me now.


Group Date #1 

Jonathan, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Kevin, Jed, Tyler C., Mike and Cam get the first group date and it is beyond clear we’ve run out of date ideas, people. They’re forced to pretend they’re pregnant, put clothes pins on their nipples, and get electric shocks on their stomachs. This is just as stupid as the time I was pregnant, and some dumb pregnancy class teacher made the husbands hold onto an ice cube for a minute and say it simulates the pain of childbirth. Umm, false.

After party is the same shit: Jed and Hannah make out, Cam is a complete dork, and someone throws some chicken nuggets off the roof. Mike tells Hannah this date was tough for him because his girlfriend was preggers once and she lost the baby. I really hope this is an example of choppy editing because the way it looks, is that Hannah sort of stares at him, hugs him and says thank you. Mike ends their conversation by saying, “You give me hope. You and your Alabama uterus give me hope.” I honestly don’t even know what joke I’m trying to make there.

Cam interrupts Mike, I think, and drops the bombshell he had to quit his job. Gasp! Then Jonathan interrupts Cam but he comes across like a complete bully asshole too, and I hate all of these ridiculous people.


One-on-One Date with Connor S.

Oops Tyler G is gone and Hannah is in the hospital. Therefore, sailing date is cancelled, but hotel bed lounging is NOT cancelled. Ding ding! Connor is suuuuper happy. Why does his voice sound like a creaky door opening slowly?

In a continuation of the sad story trend, Connor tells Hannah about his mom having a stroke, and again she replies with…well, nothing really. Connor heads back to the mansion where Luke P. asks him what her symptoms were and what she was wearing. Ummmm, red flag much?

Just when Connor thinks the date is over, he has to get dressed up and meet Hannah again. Basically, this singer (who I finally recognize but don’t know the name of), was booked by the Bachelor people and those Bachelor peeps were like, “We can’t reschedule these people. Hannah, get your dehydrated ass out of bed and sway around with Connor for a song and we’ll call it a night.” Oh and she gave Connor the date rose.


Group Date #2

This date was for Garrett, Luke P., Peter, Joey, Luke S., Grant, Dylan, Devin and Dustin. I guess? I actually don’t know that for sure, but according to my list, those are the leftover guys, although I still don’t know who half of them are.

They are forced to do a photo shoot and pose sexy-like with animals. Again, you can see we’re grasping at straws, amiright or amiright?

At the after-party, we begin to see Luke P. unravel and I’m kind of thrilled. He tells Hannah, “You’re beyond special to me.” Really? BEYOND special? What the hell does that even mean? Like cosmic-ly special? But thankfully, Hannah cuts him off and tells him that he irritates her, she doesn’t like cocky and she wants it to change. Then she stands up and says bye. I kind of love this but I fear she may now be on a bit of a power trip.

**Side note, there is now a second dude here who owns a pink blazer with shoulder pads. So yeah.

Luke does not understand how to play it cool and continues to harass Hannah to talk to her. She says no and that she wants to call the shots. So that doesn’t totally make sense but anything to knock that dude down a notch is a good idea. Meanwhile, Hannah jumps up and front piggy-backs Peter, who seems like he might be too small to successfully pull that off, but he seems to do just fine. And then I don’t see what happens next because I’m trying to convince my husband to let me jump on him that way. He’s afraid of his back as it’s been giving him trouble lately and I’ve gained a few pounds so I think he’s concerned. It doesn’t happen, but I’m going to continue to try this move and will keep you guys posted.

Peter gets the date rose.


Pool Party

The entire pool party is mostly about Cam being ABC. He is beyond weird, you guys. He addresses the guys in a super creepy way before the party starts and apparently writes some of them letters. Everyone stop right now and imagine him sweaty and naked on top of you. You’re welcome.

Hannah is VERY excited about corn hole.

Cam finally pulls Hannah aside and tells her his story. Thanks to the fun editing that is intended to make him look stupid, Cam apparently lost a grandmother, a puppy, and a leg (almost) in one week. I’m much more concerned about the fact Tyler is wearing a shirt with a boatneck.

Mike tells Hannah that Cam said he was going to tell a sad story to get a pity rose, which seems veeeerrrry different than what he actually said? But Hannah confronts Cam and says the timing of his storytelling is very odd. THIS I agree with. The girl was just super jazzed about cornhole and you pooped all over that joy, Cam.

Cam is upset and walks away saying, “This is my worst nightmare.” Really? Your worst? Worse than the week you almost lost a leg when you got off the subway?


Rose Ceremony

We’re down to 18 guys, since random Tyler guy went home. Peter, Connor S. and Mike already have roses. The other ones go to:

Jed – songwriter, super cute, seemingly normal. I hope he stays the normal course.

Tyler – The contractor with shoulder pads. Seems cute, but a smidge immature.

Dustin – he didn’t say shit this week, neither did his nose ring.

Dylan – no idea.

Grant – He seems like he’s fun and cute. For a 50-year-old.

Luke P. – Found God in the shower, but God apparently did not teach him how to chill the shit out when it comes to women.

Garrett – I’m on the fence about him. Mostly because I don’t know which one he is.

John Paul Jones – I thought he was sexy…until they shocked his stomach and he acted like an injured kitten.

Matteo – nope, not a clue.

Devin – I mean, really, who? Are we sure he didn’t go home?

Luke S – The wee little one.

Kevin – I give up.

 That means Jonathan, Cam and Joel (I think) go home. 15 left, my friends. Hang in there.