the bachelorette thoughts - may 20th show!

What’s going on here? I’m so confused. Do I love Hannah? Is she real and quirky and fun or is she off her fucking rocker? I can’t tell. Are the guys somewhat normal and good looking? Or are they all oddly proportioned with weird nipples and seem overly needy? I honestly don’t know.


Group Date #1

22 guys left and eight of them are immediately forced to participate in a Mr. Right pageant with some of the most oddball drag queens ever. Are they popular and I’m uninformed? They too seem off their rockers. 

So Grant, Luke S., Mike, Jed, Jonathan, John Paul Jones, Dylan and Luke P. strip down and walk in speedos. They all look decent but for some reason I tend to focus on weird physical features like odd chunks of body hair and strangely shaped thighs. I appreciate the porn music they play when John Paul Jones walks down the runway, and I do NOT agree with John Paul Jones (JPJ) when he says that Luke P. has the body of a Greek God. A really short, overly needy Greek God who works at the UPS Store, maybe. (Reminder, he’s an Import/Export Manager, so obviously this means UPS store worker)

The talents are pathetic but I kind of like that, as my talent would be something just as sad. Except I WILL say that unicycling is way harder than it looks so JPJ is actually talented. Jed is a songwriter and singer, but is his voice…… do I say this nicely….is his voice….horrendous? Well either way, his voice is a zillion times better than Luke P.’s voice, telling Hannah he’s already falling in love with her. So freaking ridiculous. This child has no friggin clue and I’m annoyed Hannah doesn’t think it’s insane.

The after-party is everyone bashing on Luke P. for being psycho, but I’m oddly focused on John Paul Jones and picturing him naked on top of me. Group date rose goes to Jed, and Luke P. is NOT pleased with this development. He’s definitely going to lose his shit soon. Hopefully he finds Jesus again in the shower and He can talk some sense into Luke.


Tyler G. One-on-One Date

Tyler G. gets the one-on-one date and after narrowly avoiding death in the helicopter, they go 4-wheeling in the mud and Hannah shows some bad-ass-ness. I guess? Tyler says things like “This is so amazing and surreal, pinch me” and “This is how fairy tales start”. Dude, pipe down. You’re actually attractive and sweet, so don’t mess it up with ridiculous “fairy tale” talk. I sense that, “You give me butterflies” is coming next, barf. They have dinner and talk and she gives him the rose, snooze.


Group Date #2

Devin, Matteo, Daron, Connor J., Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C., Joey, Peter and Garrett get the roller derby date and all I can think of is how much shit I would break on my body if my 40+-year-old friends and I attempted to do this. It’s kind of crazy how nobody gets sent to the hospital and the whole date is just a lot of banging around the track. The after-party is uneventful except for the fact I love Dustin but cannot handle the nose ring. Oh and Cam, who didn’t get a date this week, crashes the party to see Hannah. He is officially the worst dude there, next to Luke P. The rapping is annoying and if he says, “Always be Cam, ABC” one more time, I’m going to rip that toupee off his head.

Anyway, the guys are pissed that Cam crashed their date. Cam is having a producer interview that is apparently an hour long because three guys had the time to approach him while he’s STILL talking to the camera. It’s actually quite amusing.

Group date rose goes to Dustin. Despite the nose ring.

Cocktail Party

She’s crying and gives a long speech when she walks in, but I’m not entirely sure why? She miiiight be off her rocker.

Cam is an ass. He steals Hannah away from Kevin and made her a driveway lounge and gave her chicken nuggets. This is awful on its own, but he invites Kevin to join them which is super dick. He made Kevin look all awkward. I’d be mad. But the good news is that Cam looks even more ridiculous by proposing to her with honey mustard sauce and I hate him. 

UPS Store Luke is giving her a massage and she gives him one with his shirt off and I’m not into this scene at all. Jed walks in on them and she’s awkward city and makes it even more awkward for Jed. She leaves the massage sex den to talk to Jed and I want to shake her and just force her to be normal. Just say this: “I’m so sorry you saw that. I guess kissing other guys is part of this show, but I am sorry you had to see it. I should be more discreet, and I apologize.” Instead she’s all, “Eeeee ohhhh, maaaaaaan, Jed, Eeeek! Mumble beeeeeep mumble head in hands, rooooar.”

Rose Ceremony

22 guys left and three already have roses – Dustin and his nose ring, Tyler G and his fairy tale dreams and Jed (cute, I like him, needs minor vocal coaching).

The other 16 roses go to…well everyone else but three guys. THREE. We did all this shit this episode for THREE guys to leave? When is this season done, Thanksgiving? Fuck. 

The three that go home are:

Connor J. – 28-year-old Sales Manager who looks like he’s 12. Couldn’t roller skate for shit.

Daron – I have no clue who this is but my notes from last week tell me he lives in his parent’s basement. I may have made that up.

Matthew – not a clue.

After the rose ceremony, Luke goes into the interview room to make out with Hannah, literally, under the Bachelorette interview spotlight. Gross. He tells her she can trust him. Like she can trust you to love her forever? You KNOW you’ll love her forever in the 18 hours you’ve been acquainted? Come on Hannah, stick with me here! Red flag! Red flag! See you next week!