the bachelorette thoughts - may 13th show!

Man, this first episode is always SO MUCH. Ugh. I don’t feel like recapping the same first-episode crap: She’s looking for love, she knows what she deserves and her hometown likes her. What’s much more fun is to review the dudes. Here they are, along with my immediate snap judgements:

  • Garrett, 27, Pro Golfer, Alabama: He is cute, almost too cute. He probably has weird golf groupies.

  • Mike, 31, Portfolio Manager, Texas: He says Hannah smells great. Also, I feel like “portfolio manager” isn’t true. Like he’s actually just a bank teller but calling it “portfolio manager” sounds much cooler.

  • Jed, 25, Singer/Songwriter, Nashville: Of course, they friggin have a singer from Nashville. And of course, he’s hot. He’ll play his guitar and sing a couple times on camera and then Hannah will find out he’s not there for the right reasons and kick him out.

  • Tyler C., 25, Contractor/Dancer, Jupiter, Florida: Did you read that right? He’s a contractor and a dancer. You guys, he was only TWO classes away from a Dance MINOR in college. Which means he took one dance class, and just did it to meet chicks. Also, he looks like he gets really drunk.

  • Dylan, 24, Tech Entrepreneur, San Diego: This is another job title that is just a general umbrella for anything tech-related. He works at Best Buy.

  • Connor S., 24, Investment Analyst, Dallas: He jumped the fence for her, har har har so funny. Also Investment Analyst = unemployed but watches Mad Money with Jim Cramer on CNBC.

  • Devin, 27, Talent Manager, Sherman Oaks: Makes a HYSTERICAL virgin joke. Hate him.

  • John Paul Jones, His career is listed as “John Paul Jones”, 24, Maryland: At least he has the balls to admit he’s totally unemployed. He tells Hannah she can call him John Paul Jones but I’ll call him Heath Ledger.

  • Brian, 30, Math Teacher, Kentucky: Wow, he is VERY giggly. I think I love him, but he needs to cut that shit out.

  • Scott, 28, Software Sales Exec, Chicago: Oh my god, he is so high-strung he makes ME look chill, which is very hard to do.

  • Matteo, 25, Management Consultant, Atlanta: His name is annoying. Also, any kind of “consultant” means “freelancer” which means “unemployed”. (Also, calm down I’m kidding)

  • Daron, 25, IT Consultant, Georgia: IT Consultant means he’s unemployed, lives in his parent’s basement but helps his parents troubleshoot their spotty internet connection from time to time.

  • Tyler G., 28, Psychology Graduate Student, Florida: I literally have nothing to say about him. So that’s probably a good thing.

  • Thomas, 27, Pro Basketball Player, Detroit: Steer clear, Hannah. Yes, total stereotype, but do the words Tristan Thompson mean anything to you?

  • Matthew, 23, Car Bid Spotter, Newport Beach: That job is so random it must be real. Also, he is a CHILD. 23? Whoa.

  • Joe, 30, Box King, Chicago: He pops out of a box and lots of “package” jokes ensue. What’s funny is that if you ran into him on the street and heard him say two sentences, you’d probably say, “I bet that guy is from Chicago and I bet his name is Joe and he probably sells boxes.”

  • Joey, 33, Finance Manager, Maryland: Another bank teller.

  • Connor J., 28, Sales Manager, Newport Beach: He’s 12 years old. And he speaks French? Impressive for a pre-teen.

  • Ryan, 25, Roller Skater, Philadelphia: His job is listed as Roller Boy and I pray to God that’s a joke.

  • Hunter, 24, Pro Surfer, Westchester, CA: Nope, no idea.

  • Grant, 30, Unemployed, San Clemente, CA: Again, props for just admitting you’re unemployed. However, he bit into a hot dog and talked to Hannah with a mouthful, which to me is unforgivable.

  • Jonathan, 27, Server, Los Angeles: A server in LA is always, always, always, an aspiring actor. So yeah, he’s here for his 15 minutes, too.

  • Kevin, 27, Behavioral Health Specialist, Illinois: This guy doesn’t sit right with me. For no real reason?

  • Luke P., 24, Import/Export Manager, Georgia: An Export Manager? Yeaaaah, he works at the UPS store. Apparently, this guy used to be a womanizer, but “had an encounter with God”. In the shower. So now he’s ready to find love. Ugh.

  • Luke S., 29, Political Consultant, Washington DC: He probably ranks up there with Basketball player guy, as far as trustworthiness goes. MAN, I’m judgey today.

  • Dustin, 30, Real Estate Broker, Chicago: Nose ring. NOPE.

  • Cam, 30, Software Sales, Austin: Inexplicably he already earned a rose from the “After the Final Rose” episode last season. He’s one of those guys who seems cute at first, but when you think about it, (say it with me), you can’t picture him naked on top of you.

  • Matt Donald, farmer – no wait, a Medical Device Salesman from Los Gatos?: So he has a farm and a tractor, but actually sells medical devices in Los Gatos? This is weird. But I thought he was CUTE. She did not.

  • Chasen, 27, Pilot, Michigan: He gives Hannah a paper airplane and says, “This is an insight into what I do.” She replies, “Oh you’re a paper airplane maker?” She didn’t say that.

  • Peter, 27, Pilot, Westlake Village, CA: Another pilot but this one comes in full pilot gear.

Oh my god, I’d be so exhausted by now. And she STILL has a 12-hour cocktail party ahead of her. This game is not for the young. If they had a 40+ version of this show, they’d have to have a full day rest in between meeting everyone and the party.

Hannah walks into the party and I realize that I, too, want to walk into a room of 30 guys and be cat-called. Or do I? Or does that set back women by 50 years? I might not care. 

Anyway, the party is the same as every other goddamn party this show has ever had. So I won’t go into details because you’ve heard it all before. Some dork has a girlfriend, so Hannah kicks him out. He says he broke up with a girl on Monday, and she’s super annoyed by this. He counters with, “Well I could say the same thing about you, and you were in love with Colton.” I mean, that didn’t happen MONDAY, but the dude has a point. The good news is that she never, ever would have picked him anyway, so it’s no big deal. Although the show, and Hannah, make it a HUGE deal.

Rose Ceremony

OK Cam has a rose from three months ago and she gave the first impression rose to Luke (God shower encounter dude). She gives out 20 other roses…so that means eight dudes go home. Those poor bastards were:

Chasen – The cute pilot? That’s lame-o.

Matt – The fake farmer? But he was so cute!

Hunter – Pro surfer guy, whatever.

Ryan – Roller Skater.

Joe – Box king. He’s bummed and certainly thought he was going the distance.

Brian – Giggly math teacher.

Scott – I don’t know, really.

Thomas – Pro Ball player. She sensed that one correctly.

They end the party with champagne at 5am after being awake for 24 hours. Woo hoo! OK See you next week!