the bachelor thoughts - women tell all show!

Here’s my entire recap of last night’s show:

AHHH I HATE YOU SCREECH SCREECH SCREECH YOU’RE A CRAZY BITCH I HATE YOU I WANT TO CRY I HATE WOMEN I HAVE A PACIFIER WE ARE ALL CRAZY SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM LET’S ALL SCREAM OVER EACH OTHER ETC ETC ETC

That’s the best I can do to write down what it sounds like when 20 horrible women get together and do nothing but scream at each other and call each other names and talk over each other for HOURS. You guys, this is always the worst episode of every season but holy cow this was by far the worst. I had a headache last night too, so I think it was extra horrific to listen to. My very tolerant, laid-back husband actually yelled at the TV to shut up, which is saying a lot, considering you could hit him with a car, and he’d be all, “It’s cool. Only hurt a little…”

Who the hell are Jane, Nina and Angelique? They shouldn’t bring back anyone who was eliminated the first night. Dumb.

We start with breakups and breakdowns from Bachelor seasons past and this is when the episode peaked. Kind of fun to remember all that. Like when Brooks dumped Desiree or Frank dumped Ali. Good times, people. We’ve all been through a lot together. Sigh.

Demi says she was excited to date a virgin and that she was turned on by the idea of humping him. (I paraphrased a little, but that was the gist. Either way, she sounded disgusting.)

If there is one thing we learned with last night’s show, it’s that Onyeka is a terrible person. She’s fighting with Nicole again and granted we don’t see the whole story…but from what I can tell, Nicole is a weak, emotional mess and Onyeka is a terrifying manipulator. Have you ever had a fight with someone who manipulates every word you say and doesn’t actually let you finish a sentence or address what the issue is? And then they make you so mad and you can’t really come back, so you cry out of frustration and they make fun of that? That’s how Onyeka is. Without getting into specifics about the fucking exact definition of bullying, she was a bully. Or maybe just a total asshole. Whatever. Nicole might be crazy and awful too, we don’t really know, but as a viewer of this terrible show I’m allowed to make snap judgements based on incomplete editing so I’m going with this.

Oh and I love the chick who claims this whole fight is traumatizing her and offends her because she was ACTUALLY bullied as a kid and doesn’t like Nicole throwing around the word “bully” loosely. This is where, if I was Nicole, I would have yelled, “Oh calm the shit down. You know what I mean. Asshole, bully, whatever.”

OK at this point, I literally cannot handle the yelling over each other. It’s like watching the View. I mute it for a minute. I unmute right when Demi is talking about the cougar club and her voice is GRATING. In general, she’s sort of the worst. Oh wait, no Courtney is actually the worst, as she thinks she’s HILARIOUS for walking up to Demi and trying to stuff a pacifier in her mouth. Not only is that super rude and not at all funny, but borderline assault, no? Maybe that’s extreme but I hate her, too.

Now Demi is in the hot seat and I can’t understand why we’re giving her so much airtime. She seems much more mature in the hot seat but her voice is still infuriating. Nicole is next up in the hot seat and I realize that they’re basically just auditioning these chicks (except Demi) to see if someone could be the next Bachelorette. Who can have interviews and talk on camera and seem sane and likeable? Personally, I don’t think any of them. I guess it’ll be between Caelynn and Hannah B. but maybe Tayshia or Hannah G, if they’re dumped too? Not excited about any of those options. How about Sydney? Sane, at least.

They give Nicole a year’s supply of ice cream because she cries a lot. I totally do not see the connection between the two, but whatever. Hannah B. is now in the hot seat and is she wearing brass knuckles? I’ve decided Hannah B. and Chris Harrison should date. Caelynn in the hot seat next and she cries a lot. There’s my summary.

Colton comes out and Caelynn asks him when he knew she wasn’t the one. They always ask this! He doesn’t really answer and Caelynn says, “It came down to the fact I loved him and he didn’t love me and that sucks.” Aaaaand that’s correct. And that could summarize all these relationships, every season. He’s just not that into you. Plain and simple.

Demi says to Colton, “You wanted to lead someone, and I was leading you, so I know that’s why you didn’t pick me.” Ummmm, sure. Suuuure, Demi, if that’s what lets you sleep at night, let’s go with that.

Sydney asks if he’s still a virgin and he doesn’t answer. But I will. He’s not a virgin anymore. Why? Because SOMEHOW he convinces one of the two remaining ladies to be with him, despite the fact he admitted he really wanted Cassie more than them. Since the show has aired, they’ve had months to date and I’m sure they’ve banged. Will they last? Certainly not, but at least we can stop talking about his virginity.

Bloopers are good but perhaps they’re just good compared to the rest of this shitshow. When chatting about next week’s episode, they keep using the term “Portuguese countryside”. I mean…not reeeeally. It was more like one dirt road for 50 yards. 

OK I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next week, I admit. But not two nights of it, ugh. See you guys next week!