the bachelor thoughts - march 4th show!

He finally jumped the fence! Which is really actually a gate. And guess what? It was exactly like we saw on every preview. He jumped it. And I continue to be impressed with how easily he did it. I would’ve jumped up and ended up hanging from it. Then I would’ve dropped. Then I would’ve grabbed the top again and my feet would’ve scrambled up the side trying to walk over it, but to no avail and I would’ve dropped on the street again. Basically, I would’ve looked like Chris Harrison and had to wait for the producers to open it for me manually. I digress.

Before we get started on the dates, we see Colton and Harrison talk waaaaay too intimately about his virginity and whether the fantasy suites will entail actual penetration. Harrison, point blank, asks, “What do you want to happen in the fantasy suite?” Colton replies, “Well, I would like the sex to happen.” To which Harrison replies, “Why in God’s name are we talking about this? This is highly personal.” Also side note: “make love” continues to be my least favorite term on the planet.

So we’re down to the final three: Cassie, Tayshia and Hannah. They head to Portugal. Why? Because Colton has always wanted to lose his virginity in Portugal. I just made that up.

Tayshia Date

Tayshia gets the first Fantasy Suite Date and she’s probably bummed that she has to be the first one to de-flower Colton. At least if she was third, he could have had two other nights of practice. Omg just kidding.

They start the date by an adventure in the infamous Portuguese Deathtrap (aka helicopter). They fly around, barely making it out of that thing alive, and head to a beautiful lighthouse, where they lay a very thin sheet on a rocky cliff for what must be the most uncomfortable seat ever. AND WHY WON’T SHE PUT HER GODDAMN ARMS INTO HER JACKET?

They walk to the top of the lighthouse and I realize these two dorks have a total death wish together. Bungee jumping, sky diving, helicopter ride and now the top of a windy lighthouse. They will probably choke each other in the fantasy suite tonight in a weird sexual death game.

She admits she’s in love with Colton and both Tayshia and her dress and ready to take his virginity. Also, these two have extremely white teeth. Harrison’s teenage daughter wrote the fantasy suite card for him, and Colton and Tayshia decide to head to the room. The producers give them a bottle of champagne but they roll it around in a washing machine for awhile first, just so it will completely explode when they open it, thereby allowing the producers to make lots of “fantasy suite explosion” analogies. That won’t be the first thing of Colton’s that explodes tonight, or Colton’s bottle has a lot of pent up pressure, etc, etc. You get it.

Tayshia wants to get her some Colton, but it turns out they do NOT hump. Tayshia is disappointed and I immediately realize he doesn’t really like her all that much. He really just wants Cassie.

Cassie Date

Here is their date in a nutshell: They drive, they sit in a café, they shop, they put a stuffed octopus on her head, they street hug, they kiss on the side of the canal and do some back-alley ass rubbing. Can I just say how much I hate that he parks his damn hands on all the girls’ asses when he kisses them?

They take a mid-day break back at their respective hotel rooms, really just to orchestrate Cassie’s dad’s arrival. Or as I like to call it, “The moment Cassie’s dad fucks up this entire thing for her.” So Cassie’s dad surprises her at her hotel room and for a second, I think he’s going to do the right thing and say, “I’ll support you whatever you decide. I’ll warn you about going too fast, but you’re a bright girl, and I know you will make the best choice for yourself”. This way, if she later decides Colton isn’t right for her, then she fails on her own and learns from it. BUT NO, he F’s it all up. First, he says, “It’s OK to follow your heart. Unless your heart says to be with Colton, then don’t do that.” Just kidding. But he does give her the highly unrealistic idea that the person you’re meant to marry will fall from the sky and you will light up with butterflies and sheer happiness and will never for a second doubt a thing. And anything less than that is not meant to be. Which is, in my opinion, horse shit.

Yes, when I first met my husband it was more exciting and new than it is now, 15 years later, but of course I had doubts – even then. Nobody is perfect and I found a $400 uncashed check that was five years old buried in the trunk of my husband’s car, which was filled with soda cans, Starbucks cups, half-eaten burritos and dead hookers. I immediately freaked the shit out and was like, “What kind of human being has a trunk like this and who leaves a $400 check uncashed?” But alas, I loved him and married him and just worked hard to change everything about him. Just kidding.

My stupid point is that you’ll have doubts. Maybe some people really do feel the way Cassie’s Dad claimed he felt about his wife, but even if you do, you have to recognize that’s probably not the way most people fall in love and get married. There are struggles and doubts and you decide if that person is someone you love and want to work on shit together with, for the rest of your life. But now Cassie’s dad has given Cassie a complex that she needs to expect perfection – in love, in how she feels, in how she meets him, in the guy, etc. Way to set her up for never finding a husband. Which maybe is his point and doesn’t want to let go of his little girl.

OH WAIT, one more thing. She actually tells her dad that she loves him but isn’t ready to accept a proposal. So a normal Dad may have said, “Who says you have to get engaged? Just take it slow and see where it goes!” But nope, Dad says that MUST mean it’s not meant to be. That’s lame.

JESUS I HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE. OK and now that I rambled on and on, I will contradict myself and say that if she’s not feeling it, then yes, she needed to go. I wonder if she really liked him but wouldn’t ever really love him. In that case, she made the right call to leave, but we don’t really know that because Dad just said if it’s not amazing, she should go.

Anyway, Cassie’s Dad successfully convinces Cassie to leave Colton. So she heads to dinner, knowing she’s leaving. It’s a very long and awkward break up. He admits to her that she’s the one, he’s in love with her and wants to choose her. And that’s it’s been so hard to go on dates with other women when all he thinks about is her. Which made it reaaaaaaally weird for Colton and Hannah/Tayshia last night as they watched this while snuggling in bed. Oops.

She says she just doesn’t know if she’s ready to accept a proposal and he says they don’t have to be engaged at the end of this and not to put that pressure on it. She squiggles out of it and then I realize that perhaps she just wasn’t feeling it with him, even without Dad’s terrible advice. She doesn’t want to be talked into staying and is finding it hard to just say, “Yeah, no, I just want to go.” So it drags on awhile and Colton finally admits this isn’t happening and walks her out.

He scales the gate and they decide to follow the sound of the barking dog to find out where Colton went. They call for him, just like you would a lost dog: “Here Colton! Here boy.” You guys, he’s not going to respond when he’s TRYING to get away. Do you think he’ll be all, “Oh shit, I hopped that fence and quickly got lost and I’m scared and so glad you guys found me!” 

Now we have to wait a week to find out what happened. And for some reason it will take TWO NIGHTS to get to the bottom of it. Grrrr. Women Tell All is tonight which is the worst. The previews show Onyeka and Demi yelling a lot which is not really a way to entice me to watch. But I still will.