the bachelor thoughts - march 12th show!

Harrison: “Will he end his journey as he started? Alone and a virgin?” Well that just feels harsh. Geez. I’m surprised he didn’t just add in, “And stupid? And a bit of a baby?”

Colton goes to Cassie’s hotel room to tell her he dumped everyone else and she’s very, very smiley about it. Like, definitely more so than I thought. I sort of thought she’d be all, “Oh shit, I don’t want you dude. And now you ruined all your other chances.” But she sort of seems genuinely pleased. They kiss a lot and decide to be together, but take it day-by-day to ensure she, in fact, “gets there”. Because she’s not there yet. There = destination Colton, I guess. Also, I’m not entirely sure that’s what they decided, but whatevs. They’re off to Spain to meet his family.

His family is very, very pleased to hear he’s not a virgin anymore and definitely disappointed when he said, “Just kidding! Still totes a virgin.” They’re even more disheartened when they hear Cassie dumped him a few days ago and is now, sort of, with him again, mostly because he dumped everyone else. Rightfully so, these normal-sounding people are indeed, “What in the absolute fuck happened here. Only Colton could somehow manage to turn away 29 girls and the one he actually likes is the one who dumps him.” He tells his parents the whole story and then says that Cassie is still “working out her feelings for me.” I mean, ding ding ding red flag red flag alarm alarm alarm! Maybe I just don’t get it, but to me, you like someone or you don’t. She doesn’t seem to love him, mmm kay?

They meet Cassie and talk and that whole thing seems to do very little to convince his parents or Cassie that these two are meant to be together. But maybe six hours in Mallorca will do it!

Despite the fact Colton says he doesn’t need an engagement and just wants to be with Cassie and wants to be patient and give her time to work out her feelings, he says, “I know we’re taking it day-by-day but I need to know where she’s at.” Sooooo, you’re giving it one day then. OK then.

Cassie then says, “Colton’s been a step ahead of me and I hope to figure this out today once and for all.” So you’re ALSO giving it one day. Can you see why this show frustrates?

Apparently, however, they were both correct. She seems smitten and happy now after 120 minutes wandering around Mallorca and head to dinner and then the fantasy suite. Harrison pipes up, “Will this be the night Colton loses his virginity? And will I continue to mention his virginity at every possible moment? Oh yes. Yes I will.”

Again with the random people at the round-table. Ben AGAIN the voice of reason says, “I don’t want to think about what’s happening in the fantasy suite, but I’m happy for him.” And then Devils Onyeka and Demi say some obnoxious shit and I want to throw my cocktail at the god damn TV.

Cassie and Colton in the studio now and they both seem more in love than ever. So what gives? Did she just feel super guilty that he hijacked his whole season to be with her? Did she hump him in the fantasy suite and now feels that she has to stay with him since she’s the one who deflowered him? After feeling so little for him that she walked away…now she’s had a big change of heart? Is she just into him because he’s a secure, kind dude who won’t mess with her like her college boyfriend? Or GASP – does she truly love him? Time will tell but I sometimes think that things with such a difficult start just don’t make it. I kind of hope so, though. We will see.

Oh and fucking Air Supply! My god, you guys. What the what? Nobody under the age of 40 knows who Air Supply is. Also, that is still totally a great song. Wow get older Jen. At least I’m not as old as Air Supply. I thought that dude might need oxygen during the crescendo part. Whoa.

Hannah B. is the next Bachelorette which is an OK choice for them. I don’t love her, but I guess I can see likeable attributes or whatever. BUT…I guarantee the Bachelor people had an emergency meeting after last night’s show and were like, “Holy shit what did we do.” You guys, she was awful last night, no? Was she stoned? I’ll chalk it up to nerves and being unprepared, so I don’t want to be too harsh. But she took forever to spit out a sentence that didn’t end up making sense, and was SO awkward. Harrison was MORE than leading that conversation. That was the worst “I’m so embarrassed that I’m hiding under the sofa” moment all season long.  

She meets five guys, all of which seem like they make slow love and moan a lot. Ugh.

The second Luke says, “I don’t go down south often, but for you, I’d go down anytime.” So that’s graphic. Even Harrison says, “I don’t know if I liked that last one.” You guys, I want to marry Chris Harrison. Sigh.

Anyway, apparently The Bachelorette premieres on May 13th, so I will see you guys then. Thanks for all your comments and chit chat on Facebook these past couple months! It’s been fun to blog again. Love you all!