the bachelor thoughts - march 11th show!

Again with the Portuguese countryside talk… You guys. He was on a road for a total of six minutes, never venturing more than 50 yards from the hotel. No countryside to speak of.

OK, apparently after Colton jumped over the fence, he just walked. In a straight line. But the producers were acting like a bunch of panicked drunks. The Blair Witch Project-type camera work was nauseating. But somehow they managed to find him! Phew! I loved Harrison on the phone telling someone on the other end that they may have to call the police if they can’t find him. Ummm, really? And say what?:

Ring ring.

Police: Portuguese countryside police, how can I help you?

Harrison: Yes, helllloo, my name is Chris Harrison and I host this silly American show called The Bachel….

Police: Yes, yes we know. You’ve been basically hijacking our Portuguese countryside for the last week and quite frankly, we’re all a bit over it.

Harrison: Riiiiight. Well, anyhoo, our star is missing.

Police: How long has he been missing for?

Harrison: Hmmm, let’s see, about 3 or 4 minutes. But we believe he may be lost in the dangerous Portuguese countryside. Actually, we pretty much know where he is, but this is going to make amazingly dramatic footage. Do you think you guys could come down with some sirens and maybe even an ambulance?

Police: We hate you. No wonder Colton ran away from you.

Anyway, Harrison eventually finds him, and the producers make Chris run to catch up with him, which is very difficult for Chris. No offense, I’d be completely out of breath too. Anyway, after Chris catches up to him, Colton tells him he’s “done”. Done with the whole show. Annnd break to the live audience, where Chris says, “Will Colton find love? And what about his virginity?” I mean, stop it. His virginity was never really my concern anyway, but now we have bigger fish to fry, people.

The next morning, Chris heads to Colton’s room and they chat about the previous night’s events. Colton says he just needed to jump the fence in order to get a moment alone. In the Portuguese countryside. He says he wants to fight for Cassie. To which, once again, Harrison reads my mind and says, “What if she’s just not that into you?” I really dig this line of questioning. That’s what it comes down to most of the time. But Colton believes Cassie really loves him and was just annoyed that Tayshia and Hannah were still in the mix despite the fact she’s never, ever, ever even alluded to this. So he’s going to fight for her and show her he loves her…by dumping everyone.

I have to say this is Colton’s best move. There was just no way he could come back after last week and salvage any kind of relationship with Hannah or Tayshia without looking like a complete asshole. He made it CLEAR he only wanted Cassie, so he’s stuck with it. So kudos to him for not backing out of it and settling for anyone else. I guess? I mean, I suspect this whole thing will still go down in flames, but he looks better now.

He breaks up with Tayshia first and there are lots of long silences. She asks to talk without all the cameras, but he leaves his microphone on. Which is kind of dick because we KNOW he knows how to remove it, since he did that before the Escape to the Portuguese Countryside Gate Jumping Moment. It’s actually quite uninteresting. Then we talk to Tayshia in the studio and it’s just odd. She’s sad and quiet, but it’s almost weird. She then says the basic Bachelorette audition schpeal, “I grew as a woman through this journey and I know I deserve a great relationship.” It would actually be super refreshing if one of these chicks were like, “You know what? Fuck this. Men suck and I want no part of dating right now. I’m going to go have meaningless sex with strangers and workout a lot and drink and write hate mail to every male I know. Fuck this show, peace out!” But no, they all take the high road. Snooze.

He moves on to dump Hannah and this one doesn’t go nearly as smoothly as Tayshia’s dumping. Colton says he is in love with Cassie. She is not pleased. If someone dumped me by saying they just love someone else more, there’s really not much to say to that. I could say, “……..umm are you suuuure?” And that’s about it. Hannah says she’s shocked and then says, “This always happens. I make everybody better and then they don’t stick around.” Weeeeeell, not to be insensitive but if this ALWAYS happens, then you can’t be too shocked, riiiight?” That was mean. I’m sorry, Hannah. You’re still number one and flawless in my book.

Colton leaves but then stops to cry in a hallway. This dude is a mess. A lady producer quickly does the math and realizes this means there are officially no ladies left and she has a chance. She runs down the hall and throws herself in his arms. Not exactly, but whatevs.

Hannah is in the studio and comes across much younger than Tayshia but still plenty hot. It’s boring, you guys. Do I have to recap this? She’s just sad but ends it with a Bachelorette audition schpeal: “No I’m not in love with him. Love is a two-way street and I deserve someone who loves me back.” Aaaand there it is. We should find out tonight who the next Bachelorette is.

We end the show with just about the weirdest time-sucker ever: Jason, Blake, Garrett and Ben having some weird round-table discussion about Colton and love. The only one who makes even a smidge of fucking sense is Ben. That kid rocks. I don’t want him naked on top of me, but he is likeable and can actually string together coherent thoughts. 

Harrison ends the show with, “There are no women left on this show and things aren’t looking good for Colton losing his virginity.” Bahahahaha! We’ll see what happens tonight. I assume he gets back with Cassie because isn’t it weird if they have an entire episode tonight about him fighting for Cassie and she’s all, “Meh, no thanks.” And then The End?