the bachelor thoughts - february 4th show!

Turns out Colton showers very sexy-like in Thailand too. Good god.

Heather One-on-One

Heather greets Colton for her one-on-one date with the Running Front Piggy…but this one oddly doesn’t have a kiss with it. And we all know why since it’s EMBLAZONED on the screen every time they show her face – “never been kissed”. The build-up behind not even having a KISS by age 23 must be ridiculous. I would’ve kissed a stranger by now just to get it out of the way.

Anyhoo, they show lots of close ups as she brushes her teeth and Colton’s mouth as he eats and NAUSEATINGLY LICKS HIS FRIGGIN FINGERS. Good lord, Colton, were you born in a barn? I sound like my mother. There is a LARGE focus on this kiss and we all just need it to happen at this point.  They head to dinner where she tells Colton she dated in high school and college but not too much. But is it really dating if they never even kissed? Not to sound like a kissing whore, but dating and not kissing, is like saying we had sex but the penis stayed in his pants. Not sure if it qualifies.  

And how did she date a guy for eight months without even kissing him? I mean, that guy was patient. Good god am I a slut?

He gives her the date rose with a speech about respect but no kiss. They walk onto a beach and I’m now under my sofa as this date is officially staying in Awkward City. I now want him to kiss her more than I want him to lose his virginity. They are having a hard time just pulling the goddamn trigger, so the Bachelor people try to help them out by launching some fireworks which they both definitely think is a bomb. They kiss right away – maybe they think it IS a bomb and she’s like, “aww hell no I’m not dying a kiss-virgin.” OK I doubt that. After the kiss, Colton says, “Here’s to more firsts!” and then they go back to Colton’s room and have sex. Not really.


Elyse Meltdown

I mean, I kind of liked her up until now, but she goes a bit insane here. She says she’s “gutted” because they had a great date and then he dated other people. Ummmm, so why do half the chicks on this show act shocked at the fact he dates other women here? Did they not read the show description before signing on? It’s infuriating. I’m not saying it would be easy, but why are they so unprepared for this development?

She says she wants validation that he’s on the same page. Umm, yeah, he’s not. He’s dating 13 women and she is dating one. He literally has a pick of the litter with 100% chance of finding a wife and she has about a 7% chance. So yeah…DUH. Second of all, if he actually DOES give her validation, like saying he really likes her and wants to keep dating her, etc. – that would make her feel better for 10 seconds until she saw him with another chick. So dumb.

So Elyse gets fancy and walks over to Colton’s concrete compound which looks as comfortable as a Thai prison. She blabs to Colton and makes no sense at all, so I hope it’s just choppy editing. Here are some of the things she says and why they’re stupid: 

Elyse: “I was on a high after our date and I want that kind of joy forever.” – Well yeah, that’s not going to happen no matter who you marry and when. Dummy.

Elyse: “I just want time and attention from you like we’re in a normal relationship.” Uh yeah, that’s impossible because this show is not about Colton dating one girl in a normal relationship. How does she not know this is impossible? 

Elyse: “I just want the opportunity to be super happy.” Well YEAH, that’s the point of the goddamn show so you have to stay there, mmmkay? But also, the track record for happiness even after you “win” the show is less than stellar, so if happiness is your ultimate goal, you should probably skip the show and buy a dog.

Elyse: “I couldn’t accept a proposal after you’ve been dating other girls for the same three months we were dating.” AGAIN, you knew this was going to happen before you came on the freaking show. Grrr. Second of all, who says you have to accept a proposal? When did I stop being funny and start being overly angry? Shit.

She then says she’s leaving and I get the feeling that wasn’t the plan when she walked in there. I think she was hoping that if she threatened to leave, he would beg her to stay, thus giving her the false validation she needs, but instead he was all, “oh ok.”


Group Date

Well out of all the dates in Bachelor history, this Thai jungle date is by far my biggest fucking nightmare. Besides the fact that the outdoors in general isn’t my favorite place, but add in snakes and exercise? Good lord hell no.

Colton says he wants his wife to be able to go on adventures with him. Well clearly I am NOT meant to marry Colton. How many of those chicks on that date were all “Oh shit, should I tell him I hate the jungle and outdoors and exercise and snakes?”

Colton introduces his “friend”, Joe, who apparently was raised in this jungle. So how is he Colton’s friend? Did they meet when Colton was in elementary jungle school? Joe then says he’ll show everyone around. He walks around a tree and says, “Here’s my living room. I recently did a bit of a remodel, adding this space over here, so now it’s more of a great room with that mid-century feel.” I’m so funny.

If Nicole picking up an eel doesn’t hammer this date coffin shut for me, then it’s when the gigantic snake is put on Colton’s neck. He runs away like a sissy girl and now I get why he needs a tough wife – to compensate for his sissiness. He needs someone who will kill the spiders in the house and clean the hair out of the drain.

Demi, Hannah B. and Hannah G. all go to a bar instead of participating in this challenge, further confirming how flawless Hannah G. is.

At the after-jungle-party, he makes out with Tayshia, Hannah. B tells Colton she could survive a zombie apocalypse and I think Colton accidentally bites Kirpa on the chin. They don’t show that part, but it’s really the only explanation for the band-aid on her chin. It’s not surprising though, cause I’d bite her too if she tried to fucking floss my teeth on a date. 

Onyeka says she hates being that person who has to tell Colton something he doesn’t want to hear but OH FUCKING WELL, HERE I GO. So she tells Colton that Nicole is using the show as a way to move away from Miami. Doesn’t seem like you need a show to do that. A moving truck would be more helpful.

Anyway, she tells Colton, Colton gets sad, Colton confronts Nicole, Nicole says that’s not true, Nicole cries. I will say - she barely denies this. If I was in her shoes and innocent, I’d be all, “NO FUCKING WAY. That bitch said that?!?! Get your ASS over here, Onyeka and I will cut you!” But Nicole sort of says, “No, that’s not true”. Huh.

He gives the group date rose to Hannah B. because he wanted to thank her for buying him a hamburger and rescuing him from eating the jungle bugs.


Cassie One-on-One

Well this will be the shortest date recap ever since the only thing they did this entire date is make out and feel each other up. I mean…that’s quite literally all they did. So they have chemistry, we get it. And apparently all the other girls notice, which to me means she’s the obvious choice, which means he doesn’t end up choosing her. Amiright or amiright?

Oh, there is one quick conversation they actually have: She says everyone now knows she’s NOT a virgin and she may have to have some difficult family conversations with extended family members about her lack of virginity. Soooo, first of all, nobody knew you WEREN’T a virgin until you just said that. Second, I’m sure they all kind of assumed you weren’t. Finally, if you have extended family members who want to talk to you about your sex life, you simply have to say, “Uncle Joe, you are disgusting for talking to me about my vagina, I’m telling mom.”


Cocktail Party

Cocktail party is painful. Nicole and Onyeka fight some more. Onyeka says, “I’m not a bully, but if you come at me, I’ll come at you ten times harder. And I will say something to tear you down.” No, not a bully at all.

Colton finally comes over, just to listen to them fight, I guess? They continue to bicker, and sissy Colton keeps quiet and then storms off, all sad that they’re fighting. Why didn’t he just say, “SHUT THE SHIT UP, YOU TWO ARE RIDICULOUS!” But instead he storms off in some weird emotional huff. Why does he even care? Nicole is fine but not going to win anyway, and Onyeka is a terrifying wife option.

So we end with Colton pondering his life while walking on the beach. If I were Colton, I’d just yell at the producers, “Get rid of ‘em both. Do it. Stat. AND GET ME A SANDWICH.”

So because of the fight fest and Colton ponder session, we run out of time for a rose ceremony. Annoying.

Next week is my annual trip to Cabo, my friends! So no recap next week, but I’m sure there will be a fair share of Cabo Instagram stories and photos, so follow me on Insta @jenfrasephoto.

Love you guys!