the bachelor thoughts - february 25th show!

So we’re down to the final four: Cassie, Caelynn, Tayshia and Hannah. And we start this week’s episode with a Colton shower scene, right off the bat. Do you think he’s ever like, “Dudes. You guys. Do we have to film EVERY shower? It’s been six weeks now and I really miss showering alone.”

Caelynn Hometown

We visit Caelynn’s hometown in Virginia first and she makes Colton take a horse-drawn carriage ride. So here’s the weird thing about this. Wouldn’t you assume a horse-drawn carriage ride would make sense in a cute little old-timey town with cobblestone streets or something? But they take this old-timey carriage around 1980’s strip malls. It doesn’t fit, really. So they realize how silly that is and decide to stop for ice cream where Caelynn HILARIOUSLY shoves a cone in his face. OH MY GOD HAHAHHAHAHAH THAT’S HYSTERICAL OH MY GOD. I tell immediately this relationship isn’t going to work.

Caelynn takes Colton to her parent’s home and her mom is 35. Also, they have an entire party waiting for him, which just feels mean. Caelynn’s sister, along with her big boobs and nose ring, are very skeptical of this whole Bachelor thingy-majiggy. Well, yeah, duh. Oh mom is too. Caelynn’s step-dad is skeptical too, but puts an odd spin on it by asking why their relationship isn’t just friends? Which is awkward, because now Caelynn is forced to say, “Well, DAD, see I will have sex with him and when penetration is introduced into the equation, it pretty much makes us more than friends, got it?” But instead of saying that, she brilliantly turns the conversation in a different direction telling him what an amazing dad he’s been to her. He cries and she’s off the hook.

Her dad and Colton talk next and dad asks him how he knows she’s the right person yet? He says, “I don’t know yet. But apparently I will know in three days when this whole thing has to be decided.” He then asks for his blessing, which dad gives…sort of. And that whole thing pisses me off. I’m sure Colton knows by now that he’s not choosing her, but this stupid show makes them ask all the dads this question. If I were Colton, I’d refuse. I would never ask for a dad’s permission to marry their daughter until after I made my final decision. It feels super weird to ask this question of more than one dad, ever, so it’s super weird to do it to four different dads within the span of four days.

Hannah Hometown

Next, we’re off to Alabama where Colton is greeted with the famous Alabama Front Piggy Back. You guys, I can’t get over how flawless she is. She’s seriously perfect looking. But to be clear, I’m not sexually attracted to her. I mean, not TOO much.

They head to an etiquette class which is just a terrible idea. But at least Hannah will be there for Colton to look at? Afterwards, they head to her parent’s house and nobody there lives up to Hannah’s beauty which is SUPER MEAN of me. Dad asks Colton what his intentions are with his daughter. Colton replies, “Well, you have SEEN her, right? So yes, she’s certainly in the running as the candidate who will deflower me, which is super exciting because have you SEEN her?”

Dumb question, Dad. The correct answer is that he likes her a lot but hasn’t decided whether he likes her more than the other three, which is prooooobably not an easy thing for a dad to hear about his insanely hot daughter. But oddly, he ends up giving Colton his blessing to marry her? This show is weird.

Hannah’s mama is totally rational and I dig her. She says she’s skeptical and all that, but then says, “She left here a mama’s girl and came back a woman in love.” Which must be so freaking hard, and as much as you want your daughter to stay a baby forever (I’m talking to you, Tayshia’s Dad), you want to be happy they found love, no? Well maybe not on the Bachelor.

Tayshia Hometown

Colton heads to Santa Ana where Tayshia blindfolds him. What follows is the best part of this episode – when he can’t see while she’s driving so he can’t really anticipate bumps and completely bashes his head into the side of the car. Best part of this episode. Or maybe this season. Or show’s history?

She takes him skydiving which is also mean. He can’t really say no or else he fucks up the entire day’s schedule and he’d look like a bit of a baby. So instead he suffers through it and looks absolutely terrified the entire time. I love the dude giving instructions. This is the entirety of his training: “So we’ll be strapped to you, you step off and do a back flip off the plane.” So that’s super helpful. Because Colton is painfully unprepared and terrified, he screams like a sissy girl as he launches out the plane and I think he poops his pants. Rightfully so, my god.

They head to the terrifying household of Tayshia’s parents, and the best part is that adorable little kid, Bryce. I mean, adorbs. Tayshia’s dad is totally scary but only because he’s asking the exact questions I would ask, or that any normal father should ask. For example, after Colton tells him that he’s falling in love with her, dad says, “So are you having similar conversations with other dads?” So that’s awkward…but it’s a valid question, no? Colton kind of backs down, but you might as well be honest. I would have said, “So yes, I’m on this show and the idea is to date multiple women. Therefore, I do find myself falling in love with a couple different women. Not ideal for them or you, but it is what it is, and I do really like Tayshia.” Why can’t everyone be as rational as me?

Colton fails to read the general tone of the convo and therefore decides it’s a totally good idea to ask him for his permission to marry his daughter. I mean…. COLTON. Dad rationally replies, “I appreciate you manning up, but are you fucking crazy? I just met you.” He doesn’t actually say it like that. But the answer is no. You go, pops.

Dad then sits with Tayshia and starts off with, “Tayshia! What are you DOING? Who is this Colton guy?” So that’s funny. He makes all good points and is totes rational but he MIIIIIGHT want to soften his approach a bit. You and me both, dude.

He then says, “You can’t microwave relationships.” I mean……..mic drop. BOOM. That’s some Bachelor science for you. Suck it, Colton! Actually, I just mean suck it, Bachelor franchise!

Oddly, scary dad then does a 180 and tells everyone he WILL give them his blessing. So that’s nice. I guess?

Tayshia ends the date telling the Bachelor cam, “This is the kind of love I always wanted and now I have it.” Ummmmm really? THIS is the relationship you’ve always dreamed of? You’ve SEEN Hannah, right?

Cassie hometown

They head to Huntington Beach for Cassie’s hometown date and start the day off surfing. Which is apparently not Colton’s strong suit. She asks him if he’s ever surfed and he says, “No, but I have done standup paddle boarding.” Yeahhh, that’s not similar. That’s like saying, “Have you done cliff diving before?” “No, but I went on a very rigorous walk yesterday.”

Can I just say that Colton is definitely, definitely the most sexually attracted to Cassie? Which is weird, because have you SEEN Hannah? But anyway, he really, really likes her the most, which is probably just because she seems to be the one who is least into him, so that’s annoying.

Anyway, after the surfing disaster, they head to Cassie’s home and Cassie’s papa is not entirely into this situation. He gives Cassie a little bit of shit for it, and she gets uber-defensive which is lame because he’s actually not giving her nearly the amount of shit anyone deserves for actually going on this show and being accepting of this messed up process. But she has an interesting counter-argument: She says if he does choose her in the end, then she can feel confident in the fact that he really wants HER because he’s fully vetted the other women. He’s “sowed his Bachelor oats”, if you will. Why is that so fucked up yet makes complete sense?

Dad then tells Cassie she’s only 23 and doesn’t have to RUSH into anything, which is pretty much the dumbest thing ever to say to a 23-year-old. I bet she feels old.

Cassie then tells her mom how her chemistry with Colton is unbelievable. You guys, don’t ever even HINT at your sexual activity with your parents. I feel sick thinking about saying that to my mom. “Mom, you should’ve seen Rob’s sexual prowess last night. It was really quite impressive.”

When Colton asks her dad for his permission to marry Cassie, he’s like, “Uhh yeah no. No fucking way but thanks.”

Rose Ceremony

He gives Hannah the first rose (naturally), followed by Tayshia and then Cassie which means Caelynn is headed home. He walks her out and she says she’s sad, feels blind-sided, blah blah blah and he pretty much offers nothing in the form of consoling. But he really can’t, I guess. But he could try, geesh.

Two nights next week, peeps. Fantasy suits and then we’re down to two. Then Women Tell All, which is always super irritating. See you soooon!