the bachelor thoughts - february 18th show!

First of all, the Colton selfie cam isn’t a great idea. For one, he has nothing interesting to say and two, it’s not a great look for him. Or me. Have you ever facetimed anyone and thought to yourself wow, I’m a monster? I digress.

I was in Cabo for last week’s show so let’s summarize where we are here. We’re down to seven girls, or as I like to say we’re down to four stragglers and three contenders. Stragglers are Tayshia (normal and smart, but he’s not going to end up with her), Heather (never been kissed until Colton came along but is clearly not going the distance), Kirpa (I like her but nope), and Hannah B. (ex-pageant girl who is a smidge crazy but grew on me a little). Contenders are Cassie (seems normal-ish, but is mega sexual-ish with Colton), Hannah. G (flawless except for the fact she’s 12) and Caelynn (ex-pageant girl, big teeth, acceptable).

They head to Denver which I didn’t know is apparently Colton’s hometown. He meets with Ben Higgins who I just kind of love. Not in a “rubbing around on top of me naked” kind of way, but in a “I just really like you and think you’re cute and normal” kind of way. They chat in the quietest bar in America and it’s boring because Ben is so normal and his advice is super rational. At the end of their convo, Colton says he appreciates Ben and his advice so much and I swear to God, for a hot second, I thought Colton was going to profess his love and make out with him.

Tayshia One-on-One

Tayshia is over the top about how much SHE LOVES DENVER. I’m annoyed at her stupid sweater which is so off-the-shoulder it must fall down around her waist all day. And she must want to barf from all this food. All they did was bounce from bar to restaurant to ice cream to bar again. It’s preeeetty much my dream date, don’t get me wrong but she weighs 86 pounds so I’m not sure she can fit as much inside her as I can.

As they chat, he asks her what he’s heard about the girls who aren’t ready, and she says Cassie and Caelynn said they’re not ready to get engaged and have discussed being the next Bachelorette. He gets sad and she’s all, “Why are you so sad? You can just pick me, you know? Clearly by your reaction right now, you’re not choosing me, huh?”

They head to a nice apartment the producers rented out for filming because Colton’s actual apartment is probably a shit hole, and they make salmon and some veggies. He helps her cut carrots by standing behind her which is stupid. I’d be all, “Do not get behind me and help my hands cut carrots, dumbass. That is DANGEROUS.”

After Tayshia tells Colton her dad is more terrifying than Onyeka, he gives her the rose. She didn’t say that.

Caelynn One-on-One

He takes her snowboarding which is so painful, they only air about 30 seconds of the entire day. Producers want to focus on the she-said/she-said drama. So he tells Caelynn what Tayshia says and she’s all, “Oh that doesn’t make sense. That terrifies me.” This is beyond annoying. I’d be all, “WHAT THE FUCK DID THAT BITCH SAY? SUCH A LIE! LET’S CALL HER RIGHT NOW!” I don’t get why they don’t vehemently deny things if they’re not true. And I want him to be more demanding…like maybe by actually saying, “Did you say you want to be the next Bachelorette or not? Did you SAY you’re not ready to get married?” I hate everyone.

Oh wait, then Caelynn says to the camera, “How the fuck does Tayshia know if I’m ready or not?!” Why doesn’t she say that TO HIM?

They head to dinner at some restaurant whose tagline is “New foods of the old west” so that sounds disgusting. By the end of dinner, he’s not worried about her anymore and gives her the rose. Then, they head to a private concert with Brett Young, whose name they print on his drum set so we’re clear who we’re watching here. Soooo what would’ve happened to Brett Young if Colton had sent Caelynn home? Producers made sure that wouldn’t happen…by sending her on the concert date and not Heather or Kirpa. Ha.

The next day Caelynn confronts Tayshia and I can only hope this conversation isn’t as stupid as it seems, and the editing is just choppy and dumb. Because why else wouldn’t Caelynn just say, “I never said I wanted to be the next Bachelorette, so why did you tell Colton that?” Did I mention I hate everyone?

Hannah B. One-on-One

The most terrifying part of Hannah B.’s date is the fact that Colton’s dad looks like he’s my age. Also, Colton’s mom is also wearing a sweater with missing shoulders. What the hell, is that a thing?

Colton’s dad wins my respect by telling Colton to just trust his gut over what a dingbat 20-year-old girl says. He said it a little nicer than that. Hannah B.’s dinner dress is so horrendous that even Colton can’t look at it anymore and sends her home.

The random luggage guy breaks into the girls’ hotel room without even knocking and I love how he refuses to smile at them. He takes Hannah B.’s suitcase and the girls are shocked (aka thrilled). And now I’m thrilled I can just start calling Hannah G “Hannah” since we finally only have one Hannah.

Group Date

About six seconds after the date starts, Heather decides to leave because she knows Colton was about to dump her. It’s the least surprising and least dramatic departure of the season. She’s cute but now she needs to go make out with a bunch of dudes.

After a train ride to nowhere, we’re down to three, of which two will get roses: Hannah, Kirpa and Cassie. He has one-on-ones with all of them where they all just bitch about the others and how they’re not ready or whatever and I’m completely over this plot line. Shut up already. Why can’t they all just get in a room and scream it out?

He’s too stumped to give out roses so he makes them all shower and get pretty, then places them at a table where the three girls are at one end, and he’s at the other and it feels very medieval. Like he’s choosing a wife and shooting the others. Oh right, that’s pretty much what’s happening.

He says he’s sure he wants to give one rose out but not so sure about the other, so he pulls Hannah aside and gives her a rose which seems pretty rude, actually. Caelynn then walks in and blows right past the girls without saying anything, which is odd, and tells Colton to pick Cassie because she doesn’t want to be the only one left who isn’t ready for marriage.

He gives the final rose to…Cassie. No shit. So the final four girls are Cassie, Caelynn, Tayshia and Hannah. Next week are hometown dates so we get to see weird 1980’s Midwest décor and crazy dads and freaky little siblings. Always a good time.