the bachelor thoughts - january 28th show!

This week starts off with a bang – Chris Harrison calling Hannah “Caelynn” by accident. By “accident”. Accident my ass.

They’re overly excited to learn they’re heading to Singapore. They all look pretty darn happy for not even knowing where Singapore is and whether it’s a country or a city.


Tayshia One-on-One

He oddly chooses Tayshia for Singapore’s first one-on-one date. They go bungee jumping although apparently they spell it “bungy” in Singapore. Either that or it’s spelled wrong on the big tower which is MORE than enough reason to abort this mission stat. Actually, even spelled correctly, this is a terrible idea. The good news is that none of the so-called “cougar” contestants are on this date because this shit is definitely meant for the under 30 crowd. 30+ bungee jumping means instant cardiac arrest.

Also isn’t he WAY too heavy? Google tells me the general bungee jumping weight limit is 265. He’s gotta be close to that, no? And if he’s 260, is this REALLY the time you want to see how close you can get to the limit without dying? Also, her shirt is terrible for bungy jumping. Loose boob city.

He jumps and screams like a sissy girl. I’m sure she’s totally turned on by that show of masculinity. She jumps and totally does NOT listen to the bungy worker people who tell her to dive and not jump feet-first. So she jumps and when she reaches the bottom of the rope, it snaps her ass forward, which would certainly give me a neck issue for life. Again, I’m over 30.

After some post-jump adrenaline induced ocean kissing, they clean up and head to dinner where she admits to Colton she was married before. I admit I zoned out here. I’m relatively confident telling you I didn’t miss much. He responds by telling her that she has a sexy smile, which seems oddly placed in this convo but whatevs. 

He gives her the divorce rose because it’s proven fact you can’t tell the Bachelor about a previous divorce, child, sexual assault or death in the family without getting a rose. Wow that was harsh. He probably would’ve given her the rose anyway. Probably. She definitely isn’t going all the way though. In case she didn’t finish shitting her pants this morning, Colton then takes her on the Singapore Flyer which has GOT to be the most terrifying ferris wheel known to man. It’s amazing anyone survives this show.


Group Date

A whopping 13 annoying American girls descend on the streets for this group date. We have: Hannah G., Elyse, Kirpa, Sydney, Heather, Onyeka, Tracy, Nicole, Demi, Courtney, Katie, Cassie and Hannah B.

They walk around and generally make a scene and throw their blond hair around. They visit a leech lady which…… to the bungy tower and the Singapore death flyer, is the last place I’d be. They all get leeches stuck on them and I’m kind of grossed out. Courtney has some concerns, wondering if this business is FDA approved. Last time I checked, the FDA was food and drug – not a bloodsucking animal approval system. Also, the FDA is American. They’re not in America. She also wonders if the leech business is up to code. Well, I don’t see the leeches constructing an addition to their family room, so “up to code” is also not correct. It could safely be assumed that the Leech Lady is missing whatever business/safety approvals she needs. She’s 100 years old, her business is advertised on a dry erase board, her leeches are housed in a filthy mason jar, and she sees clients in a little room located above the dude who cooks pig knuckles. Just sayin.

Hannah B. wants to win back Colton by eating a fish eyeball. Mmmmkay.

At the after-party, Colton tells Hannah B. that he really likes her, and I wonder if he realizes he just created a stage 5 clinger. Cassie and Colton make out quite a bit while she is draped all over him. That seemed to move quickly, no? And Demi and Courtney apparently hate each other. Demi says that Courtney isn’t being aggressive enough in courting Colton. She calls Courtney’s approach “lazy”, and that makes this whole thing feel like a basketball game or something?

Although Demi is totally right here. Stop crying, Courtney, and go friggin talk to him. It’s not rocket science. GO. And shut up. Oh but then Courtney instead goes to find Demi and yells at her for talking to Colton twice – the horror! Demi is annoyed and Courtney is all quiet and smug and says, “I’m just not going to go there with you.” Ummm, but YOU were the one to go find HER. I hate it when people do this – try to make you feel like you’re the crazy one when they’re started it. I’m overanalyzing, aren’t I? OK I strongly dislike them both. Maybe Courtney more.

Demi’s mom was released from prison last week and she decides to tell Colton the good news. Can you even IMAGINE how hard it was for Colton not to be all, “What did she do to get in prison? Did she kill someone?” And per Bachelor rose rules, Demi gets the rose for disclosing past serious things.


Caelynn One-on-One

I’d be totally down with the shopping date. I would NOT be down with the bungee date or the hiking date, but I’d take the shopping date and the yacht date anytime.

Anyhoo, Colton takes her shopping which has got to be the most annoying date for him, right? So they head to some stores, where she tries on some truly horrendous dresses but can’t SAY they’re horrendous because the designer is standing RIGHT THERE. So that’s awkward. I mean, that pink number with feathers? The silver “showpiece”? Mmmm no.

After shopping, they head to dinner where she tells Colton all about her devastating assault in college which is no friggin joke. He listens and tells her about his ex-girlfriend who was assaulted as well, when they were together. He says it’s part of the reason he’s a virgin and it’s pretty much like the ONLY sincere thing that has ever happened on this show. I like him a lot more now.


Cocktail Party

While Colton is going for a serious, serious dry-hump session on top of Hannah G., Caelynn and the other Hannah chat and apparently bury the hatchet on their feud. I’m too busy staring at Caelynn’s oddly windblown hairdo to listen to the details, but I think they’re OK now.

Demi tells Colton that Courtney is “the cancer of the house”. Then Colton tells Courtney that. Then Courtney tells all the girls that Demi said that, and the girls are all, “dude…. she totally is the cancer of the house but in general, calling someone cancer is relatively not cool cause you know, cancer kills like, everyone.” I kind of agree. I mean, I agree that Courtney seems to suck but using the term “cancer” as a slur is kind of like calling a party the “9/11 of parties.” It’s just not cool.

Oh and I also love that Demi says, “I’m tolerant until I’m not anymore.” That is some profound shit. And oddly, works for almost anything. I’m hungry…until I’m not anymore. I’m tired…until I’m not anymore.


 Rose Ceremony

So Demi, Caelynn and Tayshia already have roses. The other TEN roses (you heard me), go to:

Hannah G. – still flawless, but now has a bruised pubic bone due to robust dry humping.

Heather – Still never been kissed. Why are we giving her a rose? I’d bet my house she’s not his fiancé.

Kirpa – She needs more airtime. I feel like I like her.

Hannah B. – The somewhat crazy pageant girl. Absolutely will NOT be the one to marry Colton and it’s going to be epic-ly bad when she’s kicked off.

Katie – There’s a Katie?

Elyse – Red head known as cougar since she’s 30.

Sydney – Dancer. She won’t be here much longer.

Cassie – She’s got staying power. See below for my predictions.

Nicole – Spicy Latina from Miami.

Onyeka – He’s only giving her a rose because he’s afraid she’ll hurt him if he doesn’t.

That means Courtney and Tracy are heading home. No surprises there. OK So here are my predictions for the top 5. Reminder – I DO NOT read spoilers so don’t tell me if I’m right or wrong, pleeeeease. Final five are: Cassie, Hannah G., Caelynn, Kirpa and Elyse. The final three are: Cassie, Hannah G. and Caelynn. Winner? Caelynn. I don’t know. 

See you next week, peeps!