the bachelor thoughts - january 21st show!

(lobster photo for no reason other than I’m starving right now)

Aaaaand hi. I’m back. I know I said I wasn’t going to do these recaps anymore, but it appears retirement wasn’t in the cards for me. Some dork named Colton and then two emotionally scarred pageant girls appeared this season, and I must get some things off my chest. So let’s dive into this week’s episode.

Group Date #1

The first date this week is a group date for Katie (no idea), Heather (never been kissed), Hannah B (insane pageant girl #1), Courtney (not a clue), Kirpa (hygienist, normal), Tracy (overly arched brows), Demi (the worst) and Caelynn (insane pageant girl #2). The date card says something about looking for life’s greatest treasure. I assure you, you will NOT find it in a Los Angeles pirate dinner theatre with this group of a-holes.

After a quick pirate training and wench wardrobing, somehow it’s determined that Tracy and Caelynn are the best pirates to fake-fight for Colton’s fake pirate life? I don’t get it. But I think Demi throws a big meat leg on the stage at one point which is awesome. But she’s still the worst.

Caelynn “saves” Colton and they head to the after-party at an antique store. This is a decent idea – a party in a store. Probably didn’t cost much and there are already couches and lamps inside. But I think they should have picked an Ikea. Lots of little pre-divided rooms to chat in PLUS a hot dog café.

At the after-party, Demi calls the 30-year-olds “cougars”, which makes me want to punch the snatch in the face. I can’t wait until she’s 30 and realizes what an asshole she was. The irony is that Demi is the one who SOUNDS and acts like a cougar as she spanks him and talks about how she wants to smell him. And then she basically molests him with a mannequin hand, which is not cougar-related, more just molesting-related.

Also to note during the after-party is Heather telling Hannah that Hannah should tell Colton how awful Caelynn is. Soooo, after watching 58 seasons of this show, have we NOT learned this is NEVER a good idea? It never gets you anywhere to bash another contestant. But that’s what Hannah gets for listening to the girl who has never even kissed a boy. Really? Never? But Hannah takes the lip-virgin’s advice and tells Colton that Caelynn sucks and follows that up with the overused line, “I mean, if that’s what you want, then you can’t want me.” Oh Hannah. This isn’t really used like that. I mean, NOBODY wants a manipulative psycho. You should’ve stuck with that angle. Colton is pissed and Hannah is shitting her pants. Rightly so. She should’ve kept her shit-talking pie hole shut. Also, how horrible does the Miss USA pageant sound? I’m just picturing insane hazing games and chicks poisoning each other.

Colton then confronts Caelynn and instead of defending herself, she cries and launches into a weird tirade about her sad past. I chalk this one up to crappy editing. Cause that doesn’t clear up anything.

Elyse One-on-One

Colton must not really like Elyse because he takes her on a f*&king deathtrap helicopter. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – they are NOT meant to fly. They defy the laws of lift. Why doesn’t anyone listen to me? I’m definitely an authority on flight safety.

Anyhoo, Colton and Elyse are joined in a San Diego amusement park by 50 screaming kids, thereby making this one of my least favorite dates of all time. A helicopter ride, a dirty amusement park and children? All it needs is Jada Pinkett Smith and a squirrel and it’s literally the worst.

And then he STOPS the roller coaster at the top of the hill JUST to kiss her? I mean, the hits keep coming! Again, my worst nightmare.

OK they head to dinner, we talk about the awful story about her poor sister and then he gives her the rose. THEN forces her into a crowded concert hall, lifts her up on a platform in front of everyone and makes out with her WHILE they all take videos and post it to social media. I mean, HONESTLY. WHERE IS JADA? Just nail the coffin shut already, ABC.

Group Date #2

This date is with Tayshia (not a clue), Nina (there’s a Nina?), Catherine (face lift at 28 girl), Sydney (flexible dancer), Onyeka (super loud chick who greets Colton with a full running front piggy-back), Cassie (cute, not much to note yet. I think she’s 18), Nicole (Spicy Latin girl from Miami who is sweet until you cross her) and Caitlin (nope).

Anyhoo, this date is apparently exercise-heavy, which MIGHT be worse than Jada Pinkett Smith joining me on my date. And how does all their makeup not slide off their faces? After some oddly strenuous work, Onyeka wins the Bachelor’s Strongest Woman award, which actually might work against her.

At the after-party, Colton tells the girls he liked seeing them all as strong, confident women because he has a lot of strong, confident women in his life and that’s what he’s looking for. So two things bother me here. 1) He is basically telling them he wants to date his mom and 2) I hate empty points like this…I can assume nobody wants to date meek, scared women with crippling self-esteem issues. It’s like when people ask what you want out of life and you say, “I want to be happy.” Well no shit, but let’s be more specific. Do you want a goddamn sandwich for lunch? Do you want to take a cruise? Tell me something interesting for Pete’s sake.

Colton takes turns talking to everyone and Nicole tells him that today’s strong lady challenge “came full circle” for her because her grandma fled Cuba. So yeah I have no idea what that means.

Caitlin admits to Colton that she literally has nothing to say to him. She literally doesn’t have ONE THING to tell him about her life. Oh she DOES say she’s looking for a guy who can go out with her and her friends and have a silly evening. So yeah, buh bye. He sends her home and says he feels bad because she IS incredible. I mean, you probably don’t REALLY think THAT.

He gives the group date rose to Nicole because he feels bad that she has the upper body strength of a baby kitten.

**Off topic observation: If I touched MY hair half as much as these chicks do, my head would be absolutely wet with finger schmutz.

Pool Party

Yeah, I don’t have much to say about this. It’s basically Colton acting like a 5-year-old and dumping chicks wearing full makeup and sipping cocktails off their rafts into the pool. Which is amazing.

Hannah says she has a tank of rage inside her and the beast is about to come out. Well that’s terrifying.

Colton goes back and forth between Hannah and Caelynn and I don’t care. He’s also being lame and super dramatic about two chicks he won’t pick anyway.

Rose Ceremony

OK Caelynn (insane pageant girl #2), Elyse (30-year-old “cougar”) and Nicole (kitten strength) already have roses. And Hannah G. is still flawless, FYI.

The ones sent home are Brie cheese, Catherine and Nina. Colton was just tired of taking care of Catherine’s dog.

OK Peeps, see you next week if I don’t retire again before then.